Keep Your Heart Up.

"When it's over, I want to say: All my life, I was a bride married to amazement." - Mary Oliver

                When I was 21 years old, I received a very unexpected phone call from a woman named Mrs. Nick. She was the campus minister at the high school I attended, but I did not know her very well, so I was surprised to hear from her. She told me very clearly that she did not know what I was doing with my life, but that she was creating an assistant campus minister in her office. She said she had gone through every yearbook from the past number of years and came upon my picture, and God told her I was the one for the job. So in a leap of faith I took the job.

                Mrs. Nick and I spent one year together working with the girls, wearing pajamas all day on retreats, eating toast, and talking about God. She taught me more than I would have ever imagined to learn from one person. At the beginning of our second year of work together, Mrs. Nick was diagnosed with a return of cancer she had already defeated 6 years prior. She lived for just 10 more months after this, and left me to carry on her ministry with young women.

               Mrs. Nick was an unbelievable writer and poet - she knew how to express God to teen girls in a way I had never experienced before. She changed the lives of thousands of teenage girls for 20 years in a little office and at quiet retreat centers.  

                Today is Mrs. Nick's birthday. I have some of her writings, I treasure them greatly, and in honor of her birthday I wanted to share with you a talk she gave on a retreat to our girls...

                "....Lately, I have been thinking heavy thoughts about God - not heavy in the sense of dark - heavy in the sense of deep.

                How is it that a person comes to believe in God - or how is it that someone can't let herself believe in God? For myself - there was never a time I didn't believe in God - from my first thoughts as a child - I always knew.

                I know from my experience as a religion teacher for the last 150 years. I have had students who didn't believe in God who had high IQs. Now, I am not saying they were especially smart or decidedly wise. But they could only believe in what they could see or prove. Others deny God because of a tragedy - they had been hurt in their lives and they couldn't explain their pain with a loving God.

                Sometimes in conversations with students about whether or not there is a God...I want to ask them something - but I don't ask this question because I want to be as respectful as I can. The question I want to ask is this... If you are so sure you know the truth about God then why doesn't that knowledge make you happy?

                Most of us are just not sure about God - from one day to the next - we blame God when things go wrong...we only remember God when we need Him. We can go for days...weeks and never think of God. Even when if God stopped thinking of you - for a millisecond - you would cease to be. Meanwhile - we have confidence in the God we're not sure of - that He will never stop thinking of us.

                My faith in God is strong - but unconventional. I'm primarily a writer and a poet - admittedly unpublished but there's always hope for that. Miss Wilson came into my life like the morning sun can wake you up in morning. She has challenged me to take a good look at how I share my faith with you. A real friend challenges you to be better. They call you to step up - so to speak. There are changes I'm making - but for the most part she is helping me not question my approach to our ministry. Together we can make campus ministry worthy of the word ministry.

                In my own unconventional way I have always compared my understanding of God with snowflakes. I've tried to explain our struggle with faith with the phenomenon of being on the verge of something. You know...you're there but not quite. You can see it and when you reach out to hold onto it - it seems to move...kind of like the horizon.

                Snowflakes are on the verge of reality - first of all. How they are made is just magical. You have to be a physicist to understand - it's remarkable, really - and then they just fall from heaven - right? They are each one unique and extraordinarily beautiful, but you can't see how beautiful unless you study them. And when you reach out to grab one...to hold onto one - it seems to disappear. But of course it doesn't disappear...all the elements are there..."

                So today is a very happy and glorious celebration of the life of a wonderful woman. Thank you again and again, Mrs. Nick, for all the hope about beauty and snowflakes and wonder and awe you planted in our hearts. I am forever grateful.

"Keep your heart up and fight on." -Mrs. Nick

Women and the Mirror.

The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. 1 Samuel 16:7

            There are dozens of tiny little dancers fluttering their way into the dance studio. Little girls in pink, in tiny little shoes, they bounce around, carefree and happy. 

            As I watch their joy I can't help but pray that they stay this way for as long as possible. They are sweet little souls without insecurity, without a concern about what they see when they dance and look into that big mirror. 

            And I watch them and I wonder about the moment that it all changes because it is no secret to you or me…we are not the girls in little pink shoes anymore dancing joyfully in front of a mirror. We are long past these days and we are well into the days of worrying about the hips we inherited from a long line of women or our cellulite or the curves we desire or the way our skin can spill over our jeans or our stretch marks or the bra size we wish we fit into. 

            Many of us do very well at worrying about what we see and what we don't see in the mirror, and many of us certainly don't feel like dancing. 

            We look long and we agonize and we over think and we wonder what others must think of this body we live in…and we give this worry the power to wreck a day, or a week or even a year or many, or the way we feel about a wonderful photo, or the love we feel worthy to receive.

            Indeed…each and every single one of us could spend our whole life upset about that reflection. We could spend thousands of moments hating the genetics we've been given and we could spend a lifetime drowning in negative self-talk. We can give these thoughts the capacity to push us to dangerous surgeries and quick-fixes and unhealthy living.

            Women…we give worry the power to destroy. And worrying about the way your body looks has the power to damage far too much in your life. 

            You might be the one who spends your days dwelling and you might spend nights obsessing and it's time to eliminate these days and nights because Christ looks at you, every last part of you, and speaks it, thunderous and true... 

...You are made in My image and My likeness and I. love. you. I love you with the hips you inherited and I love you with the belly you received from your bearing of beautiful children and I love you no matter what your thighs look like and I love you if your collar bones show or if they don't show...I love you for you and I desperately want you to love the skin that you live in...

            Dear women…please know it deep in your bones…your soul matters more than collar bones and genetics and stretch marks and bra sizes and curves or no curves.

            And the more time we spend stressing and obsessing? The less time we have to allow our soul to do what God created us to do; the less time and energy we have to positively affect every person whose life touches ours; the less time we spend in the one life we have been given loving who we are. 

            The Christ who calls you perfectly made wants you happy and healthy. We can spend hours in the gym and never lose the hips we hate and we can hope all day long to fit into a bigger or smaller size and it may never happen. Put your energy into being active, eating good things, and loving you for you. The beautiful life we've been given is not about being stick-thin or curvy, it's about being a woman who knows who she is in Christ - happy, strong, and alive. 

            The way your body looks and your worth will never have any correlation with one another. Christ calls you worthy because you are made in His image and if we would all truly embody and believe this? We could look in the mirror and rejoice. 

You make me beautiful

You make me stand in awe

You step inside my heart, and I am amazed

I love to hear you say

Who I am is quite enough

You make me worthy of love and beautiful

-Beautiful, Bethany Dillon

Just Keep Going.

           On most days when I walk into the gym in the afternoon, I can hear it from far away. It’s the sound of feet skidding loudly on the treadmill, and it convicts me all the time.

           A number of years ago at this gym, I noticed a teenage boy come in who could barely walk. He had brown hair, was a bit stocky and wore blue jeans, and wobbled around with great difficulty, relying heavily on a cane. I watched him stumble over to the treadmill and get on. And he began. He took one very slow step after the next. He would do this for long periods of time…one by one, he’d put his feet slowly forward.

           I saw him frequently, and I knew by the way he stayed on that treadmill that he was dedicated to this. A year went on and when I saw him I watched as he progressed slowly, walking a little further, walking a little easier. Then I began to go to the gym at nights, and I did not see him anymore.

           A few weeks ago, I went in the afternoon, and there he was. I was delighted to see this dedicated boy and was surprised to see him without his cane. I was even more amazed just moments later when he got on the treadmill.

           He got on that thing…and he ran.

           And in this very moment…in his simple act of running…he shows me that nothing is impossible. His feet skid loudly because he can’t pick them up all the way…but he runs.

           And I remember well the day he could barely walk and I remember how he put one foot in front of the other and I am convicted about all the times I haven’t wanted to put my foot forward. I remember the days when I have been given a less-than-ideal situation in my life and I haven’t wanted to move forward because I think that it is unfair, or too difficult, or even impossible to get through. And I know that sometimes it takes forever for me to decide to stand up and get on that impossible life treadmill. And he, through this journey I have watched him navigate, teaches me to stand up, take that first step, and carry on. And I am joyful because I am grateful for this most beautiful and simple lesson he teaches me over and over again.

             He goes most days now and listens to loud folk rock music and moves his hands like he’s playing a great guitar solo. He still wears his blue jeans and some days he runs next to me. And while he runs and he runs, with the sound of his feet he tells me…

Just keep going forward. Just. Keep. Going.

 “We glory in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance, character, and character, hope.” Romans 5:3-4

Vocational Trauma.

“You will know your vocation by the joy that it brings you. You will know. You will know when it is right.” - Dorothy Day

            Dorothy really got it right.

            Lately, I have been speaking with many young Catholic women about what can perhaps be coined "vocational trauma."

            I know and often meet many beautiful and holy young Catholic women who were raised in the faith, and I also meet and know wonderful women who converted or came to Catholicism later on in their teen years or twenties. They are all so magnificent and amazing and have so much beauty to offer the world. What has been troubling me lately is that so many I have spoken with have experienced some extreme distress at some point in time about their vocation, about what they are supposed to do with their life and how God is asking them to serve. And it has ravaged some of their lives with fear or guilt for years at a time, and I do not think this is something we often talk about publicly.

Many people mistake our work for our vocation.

Our vocation is the love of Jesus. - Blessed Mother Teresa

            Firstly. Your vocation is to love God with all your heart and with all your soul. You can choose to love God above all in everything that you do - no matter what kind of profession or ministry or life you choose to live. Your call is to love those around you - to pour Christ into their hearts and to be light in their life. That is your vocation as a Christian and a follower of Jesus. You are called to be the hands and feet of Jesus in the world. This mission we have as Catholic-Christians is a radical thing in and of itself; it changes plans and forces us to be courageous and it makes everything a beautiful adventure.

            And women, I want you to understand this...in your faith journey and in your life, God is not out to torture you. He is not out to make you miserable and unhappy and call you to a life that He knows would make you so. God knows your heart and knows best what will fulfill you in your life. And we spend so much time fearful and worried whether we are in the right place or doing the right thing or living the right life. Please stop and breathe and believe and know this... God does not want you to live in paranoia.

For God is not a God of confusion but a God of peace. 1 Corinthians 14:33

            God does not point to any certain vocation and say, "Figure out how to get there." God guides. He does not drive you in panic or anguish or confusion. He leads you and puts the right circumstances and people in your life to fulfill the plan He has for you as you keep walking forward with Him. As Dorothy Day said...you will know by the joy it brings you. For instance, God puts a glimmer in the hearts of women for motherhood who he has called to be mothers. While all women may feel that attraction to motherhood in our humanity, God puts a glimmer in the hearts of women for religious life who are supposed to be in that life. It brings them joy. Through prayer, the thought and beauty of the life God wills for you should bring you serenity, calm, and delight. And stop and breathe and believe this too...He wants you joyful.

            God does indeed call every person to a different way of life, according to the gifts that He has given them and the way he wishes them to share their gifts with the world. I assure you that whatever way of life He does guide you to - just because you are not called to the other vocation doesn't mean you aren't being generous enough with God.

            I had a long talk with a friend over the summer who had serious vocational distress for a period in her life. She told me that for so long, she felt weighed down by the guilt that she wasn't being generous enough to God if she chose to be married instead of become a religious sister. When she was finally free from these thoughts, she was able to live more fully and be present to the vocation of marriage in her life she knew God was calling her to enter into. She then expressed frustration at the fact that even when she was engaged and would meet sisters, they would prod, "Well, it's not too late to change your mind!"

My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. John 10:27

            God alone will call you to what He wills for you. Sure, other people can chime in and people have received signs or messages from the Spirit about their vocation through other people, including spiritual directors. That is certainly true and God undoubtedly works through the people around us. But the path to your vocation is ultimately between you and God. It is about your relationship with Him and what He knows will make you come alive. He will lead you there and you must rest assured in that and people may joke or encourage or push or pull you one way or the other, but the people around you are not God. God is God and He is the one you must listen to.

            So when the young little sister you met 5 minutes ago leans in and shakes your hand and will not let go, asks you if you have ever considered religious life, and tells you she thinks you would be really happy in it...you can rest assured in what God has already revealed to you and there is no need to panic. You can tell her with confidence that you are so happy she is joyful in her life, but that God has revealed to you in many ways that you are called to a different vocation than she is. And you can be at peace.

            Women, breathe in and simply bloom where you are planted. There are people around you who need the love of Christ today. Here and now. Focus now on fulfilling that first call to be Christ to everyone around you. You need not worry about your vocation or what you will do with all your days. God has you right where He wants you in this very moment and will guide you along with His glorious and loving hand. He will show you the way in peace and in love.

What We Can Learn from Little Girls.

"The beauty she shared, was, quite simply, herself. And in sharing herself, she showed me a glimpse of the glory of God." -Emily Freeman

                We have so much to learn from little girls.

                I visited my sister recently at the beach day camp she works at. There are plenty of lively little ones bouncing around, dancing to music, eating snacks. I play counselor for a day alongside my sister and it is always a beautiful and freeing day.

                On this particular day a little girl bounced up to me and sweetly said, "Hi! I'm Phoebe! Do you want to be my friend?" She looked at me with her wondering blue eyes, freckles dazzled across her cheeks. She did not wait a moment to hear a response, but enthusiastically grabbed my hand and said, "Come with me!"

                And just like that, in an instant, I was welcomed. I was greeted in her world with joy and a big smile. In just a few seconds she had shown me an invitation that reflected that she accepted me.   

                Upon reflecting on this later, I thought...how often do I as a woman express this sentiment to others? How often does a new woman come into a space where I myself belong and I greet her with love and joy and an invitation...rather than a cold shoulder or unwelcoming glance? Phoebe shared a part of herself with me in that brief moment - the part that as a little girl overflows with the desire for friends and the yearning to love others. Perhaps it is not her goal to make people feel accepted, but in her pure innocence, she does. As a 5-year-old, she does not have stacks of memories where her invitation to friendship was rejected or where she was made to feel unwelcome by other girls. Her unscathed heart encourages her to extend her hand. And so often we let our wounded hearts discourage us from reaching out. Can I let my scarred self reach out, the self that has been cast off by other women in different moments of my life?

                On another occasion I arrived to camp to see some new campers. A 12-year-old girl ran over to me on this day. "Your sister told us you were coming! Take off your glasses, I want to see your eyes!" she said. I was looking a bit disheveled, without makeup and hair tossed on my head for a day at the beach. As I hesitantly took them off for fear of what honest comment this child would drum up about the way I looked, she immediately exclaimed, "You are so pretty!"

                And I breathed in relief and I breathed out gratitude. In that moment again, I felt received and affirmed, even though she was only a small child. It completely lifted my spirit. And I sat and thought again...how often do we treat other women like this? How often do I sincerely compliment or uplift another woman the moment I meet her, rather than have a negative thought or worry that she is so much better, smarter, skinnier, or prettier than I?

                  There are thousands of women who were sitting under this roof

                                                 holding out their hearts like empty cups. -Ann Voskamp

                The women of this world, both old and young, are indeed holding out their hearts out to be filled. Women step into situations looking for someone to fill up their glass and the beauty is this...you and I can be the ones who decide to fill up the soul of every woman we meet. We come in contact with these women every day. There are girls who show up to youth group wondering if they will ever be able to make any friends. Other girls may sit at a lunch table in the cafeteria alone, hoping and praying that someone would just come up and speak into their fragile heart..."Do you want to be my friend?" Perhaps a young woman moves to a new city without friends and attends a young adult gathering hoping that some girl who is known there will come up with an invitation - a welcoming hand into a new place.

                And it is my job, and your job, to pour into other women with our acceptance, our love, and our kindness. Fill other women with affirmation and with joy. Be the woman who steps out of her own world, out of herself, to make other women feel encouraged, loved, and wanted in this world. It is our great and glorious responsibility to carry one another through this life by our goodness and by our love.

"And sisters have names. And sisters have stories and smiles and art and dreams and hopes and sisters carry each other." - Ann Voskamp

A letter to my girls leaving for college.

To my girls,

            How I wish I could sit and talk with every one of you before you go.

            All I want is a few moments with you before you jet off to arrive in your new life - heart aflutter, knees shaking, walking into a whole new world. That is not possible, so I wanted to write you a letter. Forgive me as I try to pack in a few things I would share with you over coffee.

            I am so thrilled for you to start this new chapter and head out on this new journey. I am excited for you to make new friends and go on fun adventures and learn a million new things about life. This is an incredible time - savor that excitement and the smell of all your fun new things and the awesomeness of all the unknown about to unfold. I know you are looking forward to the newness of it all and meeting people and nights spent staying up late with nobody except yourself to enforce rules. This new beginning is a great celebration. I know you are thrilled to celebrate!

            And I know that you are nervous, too. I know you are nervous about finding friends and fitting in, about classes and doing well in your studies, about what it will be like to be away from home. The thing about being nervous is -- it is perfectly normal. I have never heard of an 18-year-old who left home and wasn't a little nervous. You are in good company -- everyone moving into your dorm has spent a little time wondering or worrying about these things. Know that you are not alone in this, and that all will be well.

            Please also know that college is not the time in your life for "fitting in." College is a time for you to be you. Perhaps you don't know who "you" is...in that case, now is a beautiful and fantastic opportunity to find out more about yourself and who you are - what you like and don't like, what drives you, what you are passionate about, and more. In this search and all your growth, there will be plenty of people who may try to shape you into the person they think you should be. Perhaps that could be your roommate, friends, or boyfriend. Do not listen to that noise. Don't ever listen to that noise. Don't let anyone talk you into doing something you don't want to do or being someone you do not wish to be. I know too many people who wish they had chosen different friends or different relationships because they felt pressured to be someone they were not or be involved in things they didn't want to be involved in. Girls, be who you are. If people don't accept that? Move on and search for people who do. Don't ever feel like you are stuck with the friends you have. Cultivate friendships based in real and true values - not surface junk that makes up so many "friendships" these days. In college, there are plenty of people for you to introduce yourself to and plenty of wonderful friends to be made.

            As for dating in college, this is not high school any more. You deserve to be pursued! You should be taken on dates (however simple they may be on a college budget), and boys should act like men. If you keep the bar set low, they will certainly meet your standards and expectations. But if you keep your standards high, you will give the males around you the opportunity to rise to the occasion of dating an amazing girl like you. Many will not - some will. Don't be overly concerned with getting any certain boy to like you or getting in a relationship. If that happens, wonderful. If it doesn't, just have fun and enjoy this time you have to yourself! Don't spend your time in a relationship you know is bad for you, either, for any reason. I did that for far too long and it is a great regret of both my college experience and my life.

            And you know all those people at the "parties"? Plenty of them are there with the false notion that they must go and get drunk or do drugs to fit in or have fun. And really, that is just pathetic and very sad. So much of the so-called "college experience" centers around this and it can foster so much more bad than good in your heart and in your life. There are thousands of fun things to do in college other than go to parties or get high. I can promise you that.

            As for me, I will not soon forget my college experience - the sights, the sounds, the late nights spent putting news stories together, the incredible amount of Golden Grahams I consumed. I will never forget how crazy it was that no one was making me go to class; I got to choose to go! I will always remember skating around campus at night and studying in the underground library. I will not soon forget how much I loved going to women's studies class and learning about the history of women in America, along with so many of my fun journalism classes. I will never forget the passion the people around me had for journalism and for telling stories. I loved how welcome I felt at the Newman Center, and peace flooded my life when I started going to the daily Mass they offered at noon in the campus chapel for students (I highly recommend you find the one they offer on your campus!). On the other side of things, I will also never forget when 3 months into freshman year a girl in my math class had to tell us she got pregnant at a party and had decided to leave college. Nor will I ever forget the pretty blonde girl who was unconscious on the walkway at night being tended to by paramedics because she drank too much. I saw a number of people fail out of school and I also saw many people excel in their major. I met people who were so kind and inclusive to others and I met people who never had a nice thing to say about anyone. I saw so much good and so much bad during my time in college - and when it comes down to it the most magnificent thing I learned is that I always got to choose. You get to choose, too.

            And with a full heart I hope and pray that you choose to remember your worth. Do not for a moment forget how valuable, loved, beautiful, and smart you are. And if you ever fail to remember these things, don't be hard on yourself. Life is a learning experience and no one gets it all correct. Love God, love others, and love yourself. I am so excited for you on your new adventure, and I am still here for each and every one of you if you ever need me.

Lots of love,

Emily

LTLC, Night Two.

            I wrote a short note last week about the most powerful moment I've experienced in my time in ministry, and these are the best words I can find to describe some of the most heavenly few moments I have ever lived in.            

            The Life Teen Leadership Conference is a beautiful week-long conference for juniors and seniors in high school who are leaders in their church community. They are trained to be stronger spiritual leaders, challenged to look at the decisions they are making in their lives, and they are able to make friends with other young Catholics from all over the country. On the second day of the conference we broke into afternoon men's and women's sessions. These teens were led to look at their lives and their masculinity and femininity in new ways. Teens very often come out of these sessions newly convicted about the truth of who they are.            

               During the men's session, the young men were challenged in a deep and powerful way to do many things, including step up in their lives and defend their faith as well as honor and uplift women. This translated in immense ways into the night of worship.            

              That night during the main session as we were leading the teens in How He Loves, my good friend and host for the week Steve walked out and asked the young men to sit and the girls to keep standing. The girls were to continue to sing How He Loves and Steve challenged the young men to think of their mothers as the young women sang - to pray for their mothers and to love them in listening to the song. It was a beautiful and powerful moment to see these boys with their heads in their hands, their hearts and prayers directed toward their mother or mother figure in their life. The song of the few hundred young women was pure and stunning.            

I am still trying to find words for what happened after that.          

            Steve asked the young women to sit down and the young men to rise. The next thing he said went something like this, "I'm not sure I'm going to be able to get through this…but these young women have all been hurt by men in some way, many very deeply…" He went on to speak of the pain of every woman in the room…brokenness due to rejection or abuse or pain from a father or a boyfriend or a friend. As a woman I could tangibly feel those memories and feelings flood right back to these girls, brimming over in immediate tears and tangible sorrow.           

            And Steve told the men that this was their time to sing over these women. It was time to sing over them and in that song, allow Christ to heal their pain and their brokenness, to lift them up to Christ and allow Him to touch them and mend their souls.           

 And the young men sang. 

       "When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,                       

                 And I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me…"          

The conviction was unfathomable.            

             It was as though Christ spoke into the heart of every single young man and told him that this was his chance to heal these girls; this was his moment to right all the wrongs and pour out a profound prayer of love and of sorrow for what has been done to their fragile hearts. And I looked out and eyes were closed and arms were outstretched and the glory of heaven shook that theater for a whole few minutes. And I wanted every girl I have ever come in contact with …every woman in this entire world… to be in that room. You could hear the healing happening. You could feel Christ touching the hurt and making beautiful things and holding all these young women with the singing of these young men.            

             And I couldn't help but sob and let Christ hold me and heal me with their song, too.             I sobbed for every girl who has ever shared her pain with me…I sobbed for the girls who are used and abused and for the women lonely and unloved... for the women whose self-image has been formed by pain from men and for all the young women just feet away from me in the room who told me of their scars after our women's session. And as the men continued to sing my crying turned into a cry of gratitude…gratitude for the fact that Christ can sing over me and these other women through our brothers, through young men who want more than what the world offers them, through young men who want to rise and take courage and stand up for something they believe in. And I really could not help but pray that God would let me stay in that moment, in that hope and in that peace, forever. 

Joy Will be Yours.

        My life isn't really happening the way I planned for it to.

         I was supposed to be a broadcast journalist. I was supposed to stand in front of the camera and tell you about the game or sit in the director's chair and manage 12 people with different tasks while we were going live on television.

        And it's no secret that I'm not doing either of those things.

        I am speaking to people all over the world and I am making music.

        It was never my plan to share my words, thoughts, and lessons I've learned with the world. And then God called me to by the opportunities set before me. It wasn't my plan to lead people in song day in and day out...and it's the most beautiful thing I could have ever dreamed about being a part of.

        I wake up in a beautiful sort disbelief every day about what God has unfolded for me every step of my young life so far. I am humbled and blessed to do the work that I do, and I am humbled and blessed to share my newest project with you.

        Late one night, I was reading a heart-wrenching testimony of one woman's loss on her blog. She was sharing some of the deepest places in her heart, and spoke of one of her greatest moments of darkness and desperation in her life. She said that in that moment of overwhelming and crippling  fear and darkness, in a place she felt she would never know joy again, she felt Jesus lean in close and whisper, "Joy will be yours."

         I went to bed shortly after and woke up in the middle of the night with a song in my heart. I went to the piano and wrote it out. It was and is a song for this woman and for all the hopeless in the world.

                "This dark night will end as He brings forth the dawn....

                                Sorrow will be no more as He sings over you, joy will be yours....."

        I don't know that the woman will ever hear it; perhaps I was supposed to write this song just to reach one soul in the world. And whoever that soul is, I can only hope they feel Christ speak to them in those words...Joy will be yours. Joy is ours because Christ won the victory on the cross... He pulls us out of our dark places and brings us to Him, brings us to light, brings us to peace. It is really the most beautiful reality.

         The other song that I've written on my new project is called "Cling to You." For a period of my life during prayer I would see myself in the scene on Calvary, holding tight to Jesus on the cross, holding on for dear life in sorrow that He had been crucified. This song is about that image, that picture, that prayer, and what my heart cries out to Christ in that moment.

         I am grateful to have been able to record Oceans for so many who asked me to so they could pray along with it. I am also grateful to have recorded Doxology. For those of you who have never heard it, the words were written by Thomas Ken in 1674.  The doxology is a widely used hymn, and many do not know that is the last verse to a beautiful and longer hymn he wrote called "Awake my Soul and with the Sun." Lastly, Beautiful and Yours is a song written by my friend Pete Buncher. It is based on Psalm 23, and speaks of our identity...that each of us belongs to Christ, through and through, no matter how many times we may fall or how far we may stray from His love.

            "You define me, Lord, beautiful and Yours. And though I've fallen short,

                                              Your love is still moving through my heart..."

         I am thankful to God for giving me the gift of music and giving me a means to share it with others. I pray that anyone who listens to my music would have an encounter with the Christ who calls us all to bravery in sharing what He gives us to pour out into the world.

Photography by Natalie Duke.

In the hills of Georgia.

           I spent the last week in the most beautiful of places. 

           I spent the last week in a place where young people are able to come and meet the risen Christ. It's a place run by people who know how to love, serve, and to sacrifice far better than I. A place where the girl brushing her teeth next to me knows so well how to just love souls and where college students spend weeks upon weeks showing Christ to hungry teens - college kids willing to give up summers of paid jobs, nights out with friends, sleeping in, and so much more, so that even one teen could come to know the Jesus they know and love the Jesus they love. I spent the week around families who live in this place - families who have dedicated their lives so that young people would come to know Truth - families who truly do live simply so that the thousands of teens who come through their home may simply live. In just six days, these people showed me a beautiful kind of selflessness that can't be found many places in this world. 

            I spent my last week in a place where camp activities aren't just camp activities, but an opportunity to grow - to grow in trust, to conquer fears, to build bridges, to build friendships, and to experience God. It's a place where teens are able, in the sight of their peers, to admit their wrongs and without shame receive the mercy of God. A place where people affirm one another, show compassion to one another, love one another, and lift each other up. It's a place where teens are free - free to be young people - free from expectations and pressures and free to just. be. 

             I spent the last week in a place where Christ breaks heavy chains and calms fears and instills joy. A place where young people can see God in the service offered to them and in the love freely given to them, and where a campfire can create a space for them to step out in courage and testify to their life in Christ. 

           There is glory all around there - in that kitchen and on the field and in the woods and in the bunkhouses and on the roads and in that glorious white chapel.

           It was in this chapel where the nightly song of those college students rose to the sky and pulled me right into heaven for a moment - a song of tired and passionate souls who want Jesus and who teach me how to sacrifice. 

          That beautiful little chapel is the center of a stunning and holy place that holds the stories of thousands of hearts mended, put back together to overflowing with His joy, His grace, His glory. 

          Thanking God today for placing a small camp in Georgia where He planned for so many souls to come alive. 

Photo by my friend Rhett Pringle, Life Teen. 

Jesus Needs the Women.

            It was quite the Holy Thursday Mass for all the women. 

           In his homily, the passionate priest spoke of us... how we, all women, were never allowed to have our feet washed during the Holy Thursday service until recently. Pope Francis made headlines last year with his unprecedented break from tradition; he included two women in his foot-washing service. 

            For many years, it has been the men who get washed symbolically at this Mass, who Jesus ties a towel around His waist for, who Jesus fills up the wash basin for. It was just the men who get sent out on that altar for all to see, sent out to be disciples with the command..."Go out and do to others just what I have done for you..."

            Monsignor continued on to tell of how he visited Washington, D.C., recently and got to see the historical documents of America and how he still just cannot wrap his mind around Thomas Jefferson's words...   "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal..."

             "What were you thinking?!" the priest shouted as though Jefferson was standing right there in the room. "Not including the women?! We need the women..."

             "So," he continued, "I will be putting out 12 chairs in a moment - whoever wants to come up to have their feet washed may do so - perhaps it should only be women so you all know deeply that we need you..."

            Yes. The world needs the women and Jesus needs the women. 

            Jesus doesn't need the women like the women need Jesus. Jesus needs the women, sent out and courageous, to be His hands and His feet in the world. 

            Jesus needs the daughters and the mothers and the sisters and the wives. He needs their selflessness to break through all the selfishness of this world and their glorious light to break through the dark that covers us all. He needs the woman trying to keep her family together and the woman in her suit running executive meetings and the woman alone with nothing left to give. He needs the St. Joan of Arcs, the women out brave in the world fighting the good fight and he needs the St. Thereses, the women who stay in and pray us all to Heaven. He needs the scarred and the bruised and broken women...the ones mercilessly broken by the world, broken by men, broken by each other. He needs the ones who give until they can't give anymore...to their children, to their friends, to their co-workers, to their community....the women who give and just keep on giving. He needs the joyful teenage girls who plan their youth nights and the old women hanging onto those rosary beads and he even needs the little girls. 

            He needs the two tiny little girls who excitedly ran up to have their feet washed on this blessed Holy Thursday. 

            He sends these ones out to wash feet as He does for them...little girls in this world growing up reflecting His love and His grace to everyone they encounter. 

            And after Mass, the priest processes with the Eucharist to the tabernacle for people to adore. After only 30 minutes, there are twelve of us left in the church.

            Twelve women, twelve disciples of a holy Savior in this world, feet and hearts washed clean by Christ as He speaks into our lives...

            ....Wash one another's feet...I have set an example, so that you will go out to do what I have done for you....

            And as women, we continue to serve and to give and to wash and keep washing...

            Because we know, and all we desire is to give the world the glory and grace and mercy He has given us in the majesty of this Resurrection...

And flowers in your hair...

     I go to the gym most evenings and usually it's pretty busy. The picture is usually the same…women talking and laughing, big men lifting weights way too heavy for their own good, and little kids running around. The picture was exactly this way yesterday, but as I was running on my treadmill and looked ahead of me, I was struck by something. 

    The woman running on the one in front of me was dressed in head-to-toe black Adidas workout gear. She looked sporty as could be and was working hard, but I was amazed the moment I noticed that in her dark, pinned back hair she had a perfect and real white rose. A single white rose in the middle of all this commotion at the gym. 

    I was totally struck by this flower. 

    There's something about women and flowers, and there's something about how we feel with flowers in our hair. It is one of the oldest and most natural adornments for women. I was moved to awe in this moment because I was reminded of how much we as women, in everything we do in our lives, desire to feel beautiful. We desire pretty things. Even if it means wearing a rose while we are running…we. desire. beauty. 

    We look to feel pretty in so many different ways…in the clothes we buy, the make-up we use, in the way our bodies look. We often look to feel beautiful by other people - through what others say, through the opinions others hold of us. 

    But how often do we put on Christ - adorn ourselves with the love of God - to feel beautiful? How often do I look to Christ to tell me of my beauty instead of looking to the world to tell me of it? 

    Roses remind me of Mary - Mary reminds me of Christ. I'm sure this wasn't her intention at all - I don't know how this woman feels about herself or the reason for the rose - she probably just wanted a rose in her hair, but in that moment I saw a symbol of how I must continue to put on Christ to make me feel beautiful. I must live in the light of Christ and pour that beauty out into the world, remembering that Christ made me perfect in his image (Genesis 1), and that nothing will ever change this magnificent truth that stuns me over and over again.  

    I am grateful for every reminder God gives me to seek beauty in all that is genuine, remembering that it is this that can make us feel special and lovely. It's not the make-up or the outfit or the body - it's Christ. It's the authentic and the genuine and the real - the real love of Christ - the Christ that accepts in all our brokenness and messiness and loves every last bone in our body. 

    As you seek beauty in yourself and in the world today, adorn yourself with the words of Christ, "You are altogether, beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you." (Song of Solomon 4:7)

    "Get over your hill and see what you find there, 

              With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair." 

                    - After the Storm, Mumford and Sons

Oceans Take Away Show

Hello friends and family! In the spirit of joy in the Christmas season, here is a takeaway show of "Oceans," which was filmed in Atlanta, Georgia. Many thanks to my dear friend David Leininger for all his work on the video for us. Enjoy, and feel free to share it! 

Also, if you would like to be the first to receive notifications about where I'll be playing or speaking, as well as alerts when I post new blogs and videos, please sign up for my newsletter below. 

On the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show.

"Time to starve because VS Fashion Show is the 10th!"

"Nothing can make me feel so inferior as a woman than looking at pictures of VS Angels."

"Like I don't even feel upset that I don't look like a VS Model, I feel suicidal."

"RIP self esteem." 

           I've been thinking about writing a piece about the Victoria's Secret fashion show for a while now as it will be airing next Tuesday, December 10th. To commence the research for this, I took to Twitter to read what girls say about it. All of the above is what I found as well as lots, lots more. 

So where do I begin?

           The feelings of insufficiency this show cultivates in young women crushes me deeply every. single. year. 

           If you are unaware, this show is a major event among girls all over the world. Girls throw parties to watch together and social media blows up over the event. Girls claim it makes them feel "girly" and love to get in the spirit of the show. But this show is not exactly known for the product it is "selling" - it is known for something very different - its effect on the self-esteem of young women everywhere.

           As is apparent in the tweets above and the hundreds of others that are posted on the evening of the show, this show has a horrific effect on the self-image of young women. The "angels" in the show are beautiful yet very thin supermodels who, by society's standards, have achieved perfection of their bodies. They have long limbs, gorgeous faces, and stunning smiles. These models are said to spend hours working out, intensely watching their diet to prepare for the show. In a UK Telegraph article about Angel Adriana Lima, she states that for nine days before the show, she doesn't eat any solid food. She works out twice a day and drinks a gallon of water. This is not a normal lifestyle for anyone who holds a normal job, goes to school, has a family, etc. Yet to girls who see these angels, it's real. It is attainable and they haven't attained it. This cultivates and magnifies the lie many girls just cannot shake... "I am not enough." The perpetuation of this lie that takes place in many girls because of the fashion show is tremendously sad and very unhealthy. The amount of self-criticism that grows from this can be damaging in many different ways. 

           While I am crushed by the show, I am also always angry about it, too. There is ceaseless talk about women's empowerment in our culture yet the media continues to glorify the treatment of women as sex objects. This focus has led to so many immense struggles for women - too many to name them all - and it has become so commonplace that we hardly notice it anymore. There is unrelenting noise about empowerment, but there are so few women leaders standing up for the everyday women and teen girls who are hurting, lost, and affected terribly by the media. We need more powerful women who stand up and talk honestly and openly about what true beauty is and why it is important to focus on it. We need more women who, in whatever walk of life they live, truly empower women by helping them believe in beauty - the true definition of it.

           With all that said, my advice to women everywhere....don't watch the show. Love yourself enough to know that you are not the sum of what you look like. Spend time focusing on loving you for you, not trying to be another girl. You have a soul, you have dreams, and you have so much to offer the world - I truly don't believe this show helps any woman remember that or know that more deeply in her spirit. Even if you consider yourself to be a woman who is unaffected by these images and confident in your looks and body, watching it at all supports the culture of sex and selling women. There is no way around that. We, as women, need to take a stand against it - to let the world know that it is not okay to treat women this way.

           I also have a plea for men...please don't watch the show. It is apparent that you aren't watching to see the new products, and whether we as humans realize it or not, watching something like that normalizes those images in our head - and most girls don't look like that. The way this show presents women as sex objects further cultivates that lie in the minds of men - that women can and should be looked at as things, not people. This lie strongly affects the way you see women which has the power to ruin your relationships, influence the way the women around you see themselves, and perpetuates our sad, pathetic pornographic culture that is completely destroying our world. When I asked my boyfriend his thoughts for men regarding the show, he told me that to men it's obviously all about the women and not about the "clothing," making it a lust show rather than a fashion show. I could not agree more. What we truly need is more men in the world who look at women for their true beauty rather than lusting after them. We desperately need men like that. In my ministry I have talked to enough young men to know that the struggle you face if you are trying to be a man of integrity in this world is often so intense it cannot even be put into words. As a woman, I know I cannot understand that struggle of constant bombardment of pornography and incessant presentation of women as sex objects when trying to stay away from that. I may not understand but I have met enough good, strong, amazing men to know that it is possible to be a man who honors women in this culture. It is possible and you are accountable for being a man who lives virtue, who seeks to encourage, respect, and uplift women in everything you do. 

           In closing, when it comes to self-esteem and body image, I always encourage the young women I meet to live a healthy lifestyle. Balance is important. Balance is wonderful. Be active, go on hikes, find what you love that keeps you healthy and strong. If that's surfing, great. If that's boxing, great. But go out to eat your favorite awesome burger and fries every once in a while. Eat some peppermint bark and have fun. Be good to your body and focus on being healthy and strong rather than being perfect.

           Most importantly, just shine on. Shine on like the glorious girls you are, perfect the way God made you no matter what you look like. Know that you are joyful and radiant. Believe in yourselves and your power to affect change in this world. As I have told you before -  believe in the grace that you were created for a divine and altogether stunning purpose. Know that you are enough - more than enough - exactly as you are in this moment - living, moving, and breathing in the hands of a good, good God. And never forget to keep your hearts up. 

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The Difficulty of Making Good Decisions.

       As a young person in this world today, making good decisions can be extremely difficult.

       When you're in high school or college and trying to choose good for yourself, the weekend can be an especially tough time. 

        Scratch that, the weekend can be an impossible time. It certainly was for me for a time in my life. 

        Friday can be a day where you have to say no to party invitations or invitations to hang out at all. It can be a day when you wonder what you'll do all weekend and when you can anticipate the photos that will show up on your Instagram feed of plenty of people you know having plenty of "fun." It may be a day when you battle with your own self from the morning to the night as to whether or not you'll stick to your promise to yourself (and possibly others) to make good choices. Friday can be a tough day. So can Saturday. And even Sunday, too. 

        Many people who have heard me speak have heard me witness to my testimony of trying to make good decisions in high school and college. In high school I had an easier time finding friends that supported my positive decisions than I did in college. College was nearly impossible. I didn't want to go to parties or hang out with people who drank or did drugs. I didn't want to find guys to hook up with and I certainly wanted to remember everything I did over the weekend when I went back to school on Monday. Needless to say, not many people at Arizona State wanted the same thing. 

       I went through a tough period of false friendships and betrayal during the fall of my freshman year. Left without friends, I looked far and wide for people who wanted the same things I did, and I just couldn't seem to find any. After a while, it got tiring to keep looking. I felt so foolish on some days for going against what everyone else did and constantly tried to maintain a level head on what I knew I wanted for myself. So I spent a lot of weekends alone and eventually I came to hate the weekend. During the week I had classes to attend and work to be doing, but when the weekend rolled around I had nothing to do when everybody else seemed to be having so much fun. I counted down the minutes until I could go to bed on Sunday, thankful that Monday had come once again. That was a very difficult time in my life.

       After months of this, being the good God that He is, God led me to go to Mass at the Newman Center one night where I heard about some college nights I could get involved in. That was such a huge blessing in my life. I started attending regularly and through that, I met some great girls who had a women's night going and other great friends who planned fun things to do on the weekends. After a long time of searching, I had finally found some people with the same values and desire for good that I had. They were at church. Of course they were at church. 

        Indeed, making good decisions can seemingly be awful in the moment, the day, the month, or the season of your life. It can make you feel left out, lonely, foolish, and torn. But when I remember why I make the decisions I do, I am always happy to feel left out, foolish, and lonely to maintain my dignity, my health, my safety, and my well-being. These things are important to me,  and consistently going against the flow to hold onto them is the most worthwhile endeavor I've taken on in my life so far.

        If you're a young person like me and you find the weekends impossible sometimes, I felt compelled to write to you today to tell you that you're not alone. I want you to know that it is possible to find people who choose good for themselves, it is possible to go against the flow, and it is possible to have fun in many ways other than what our society tells us. Keep your head and your heart up - you and I are in this together.

What My Momma Taught Me.

              I'm grateful for my momma. 

              I'm grateful to my momma for so many things...for kisses and diaper changes when I was tiny, for holding me and loving me and rocking me to sleep on so many nights even though I don't remember them. I'm grateful for the hundreds of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches when I was in school, for picking me up from school with a smile and a big hug every day, and for her help with impossible math problems. I'm grateful for her advice and I'm grateful for her love as I've grown up and navigated becoming an adult. I'm grateful that she's supported me in all I've wanted to do as it changes and grows by the day.

             But most of all? Most of all these days, I'm grateful for one thing. 

             I'm grateful that my momma never spoke a negative word about herself in my presence one day in my life. 

             I am one of three girls, and a question that is often asked of us is, "How did you all turn out to be such confident women?" There are many factors that lend to the full and complete answer to this question - the incessant love of our earthly father being a very, very important one - but lately I've been reflecting on my aforementioned gratitude. 

              There's something about a mother's connection with her daughter. It is a very special thing, and, as much as we do or don't want to...we become our mothers. We hear it all the time..."Oh my gosh, I'm becoming my mother." We do. We grow up watching our moms - the way they act, the way they talk, who they associate with. We watch how they run their household, what they cook, who they are. We watch how they treat their husbands or, if they are a single mom, how valiantly they carry the family alone on their back. Most importantly, we learn to look at ourselves the way we see our mothers look at themselves. 

              I've heard many mothers complain about their dissatisfaction with themselves in front of their children. I've heard mothers say they hate their nose or that they need to lose weight or that they wish something else they didn't like about themselves was just plain better or more beautiful. I've heard mothers say a lot of sad things about themselves that have broken my heart as I've watched young wide-eyed daughters listen to this negative self-talk from the woman they adore most. 

             And in all my life I have never heard my momma say one of these things. For all I know she thinks she has the best nose God ever invented. For all I know she has always been happy with her body even though she has carried 4 children with it. And I love it that way because of what this has taught me. 

             Because my mother did not speak poorly of herself in front of her children, I learned to not speak poorly of myself in front of others. Because she didn't speak poorly of herself I assumed that she loved herself just as she is - and I learned to try with all my heart to love myself just as I am. Maybe she didn't realize what she was doing. Perhaps she didn't realize that in loving herself or by remaining silent on the days she really didn't, that she was engraining a sense of invaluable confidence in me.

              I will be forever grateful for this. God willing, when I have my own children, I will do just the same...love myself just the way I am to teach my children to love themselves just the way they are.   

             And so, to my momma...thank you for loving yourself and for remaining silent in front of your daughters on the not-feeling-so-pretty days, for never putting yourself down but only building us up, and for teaching us to be who we are and love who we are. Thank you.

If All the World Was My Zumba Class...

             I walk into my Zumba class packed with women a few times a week when I'm not on the road. Dozens of women, of all different shapes, sizes, ethnicity, hair color, and ages get together to dance as exercise. Novel idea, right? Dancing for exercise. It makes you forget that you're actually doing some pretty good cardio. 

            But I continue to go to this class because a lot more than exercise happens in that wooden-floored room covered in floor-to-ceiling mirrors. The room becomes a celebration. 

            That room becomes a place where women are free to be themselves. It becomes a place where no woman can stop smiling bright, no woman can stop cheering, and no woman can stop celebrating life- the fact that she can dance and move and be her- just unashamedly her. It becomes a place where women don't worry about their weight but they focus on their health. There aren't pictures of Victoria's Secret models on the walls, no Instagram feed of girls lifting their shirt to show us their perfect tummy, no magazines filled with absurd diet plans that make us feel bad. We. Are. Free.  

            There's no judgment of what another looks like - only community and celebration of each other. The teacher puts a random class-goer to the front to teach the dance, and the other women cheer like she was just elected President. We don't worry about what she looks like compared to us or how her clothes compare to ours or pick out everything she can do so much better than us. We celebrate her - and in doing so, we celebrate ourselves. Ourselves as women...happy, healthy, strong, and supportive. 

             I'd imagine that if the world was like this Zumba class the world would be a happier place. Women spend so much more time tearing each other down than building each other up. We spend so much time worrying about our weight rather than our health. We spend so much time comparing ourselves to other women. We spend so much time being hard on ourselves rather than celebrating ourselves. 

             It's time we let that go. 

             Today, in that moment when you feel less-than, far from perfect, torn down, too big, too small, whatever it is...imagine yourself in the class I've pictured here. Imagine yourself dancing with wild abandon, free to love yourself and be yourself, absolutely perfect the way God made you. Then smile, don't stop smiling, and just keep going.  

All I Can Hear Is Their Song

"I look around the room at all the women, scarred and banged up and brave and still standing, and all I can hear is their song." - Ann Voskamp

          I gotta admit, sometimes I get discouraged.

          I get discouraged because what I want for the young women in this world is everything the world doesn't want for them. I get discouraged because there are so few good examples of young women in the "spotlight" of our society for them to look up to. I get discouraged because so many young women go to sleep at night hating themselves...with cuts on their arms and starving stomachs and an ache in their heart, just because they feel so incredibly unloved. I get discouraged because I can only help them one at a time, when I wish I could get every young woman in the world in the same room at once and just pour out love on them and listen and just tell them of their worth and their beauty...something many of them have never even heard about. I get discouraged because so many girls get used and then use in return because they truly begin to believe that's how the vicious cycle works. I get discouraged because society tells women everywhere that their wedding day is just another day for a big party, not a day to dress dazzling white and walk toward a groom you have waited and protected your heart for. 

            There are many days when I get so discouraged and so defeated and so disheartened...and then I realize...this is exactly where the enemy wants me. Defeated, broken down, and weak. 

 "The brilliant don't deny the dark but they are the ones who always seek the light in everything." - Ann Voskamp

           I know this battle is far from over. But I know the fight is worth it if one more girl believes in herself because of the way Christ was somehow able to use a broken soul like me in her life. I know that I can't stop fighting until there are no more girls cutting, starving, burning, and hurting themselves in any way; until there are no more girls sleeping around because they want to feel loved so desperately, and until there are no more girls who think they need to fill up on everything of this world to feel joyful, wanted, accepted. I know there is no better time than now to turn up the volume on what I believe, what I know, and what I know I need to share. 

           I desperately want the women of this world to feel wanted. I want the women of this world to feel beautiful. I want them to be joyful and radiant. I want them to believe in themselves - to believe in the grace that they were created for a divine and altogether stunning purpose. I want the women of this world to know that they are enough - more than enough - exactly as they are in this moment - living, moving, and breathing in the hands of a good, good God. 

          I will never give up on this, I will never be quiet, I will not back down. There's work to be done, and there is no time to lose. 

           I will fight on for girls everywhere, remembering that the work I do is worthwhile, and that even amidst discouragement - all things are possible for Christ. All things are possible for a God who came and died so that we might have life, and have it abundantly. 

          More to come on this...excited to share a new movement with you all... 

"Ours is the God who sees, and for the women forgotten and for the women unwanted and the women left behind, there is water in the wilderness and He is our well and all is well." -Ann Voskamp

Mrs. Nick

As many of you know, while I was leading worship and speaking at LTLC this summer, a beautiful friend of mine passed away. Her name was Mrs. Nick, and she was not just a beautiful friend but a wonderful mentor and close confidante, a seeking soul with a heart on fire for Christ and the Catholic Church.

I met Mrs. Nick while in high school but didn't have a close relationship with her. One day, while in the weird phase of my life when I was waiting tables at CPK, looking for a job in journalism, and trying to be involved in ministry with teen girls at the same time, Mrs. Nick called me on the phone. She left me a message saying she had a proposal for me, that she didn't know where I was in my life, but that she needed to talk to me. Confused and a little thrown off due to never having been close to her, I called her back to see what she would say. She told me that she was creating an assistant campus minister position at the school, and that she had pored over many, many yearbooks to find the person she'd ask to apply for the job. She told me when she found me in the yearbook she knew I was the perfect person for the job and wanted me to apply. She knew God pointed her right to me, and I knew it too. A full-time position in direct relational ministry with teen girls? What more could I have dreamed of? I remember the first day sitting with her in her office, while she shared her heart for ministry with girls - why she did it, why she did it for so many years, and why God told her I'd be great at it, too. I applied for the job and was accepted and began my work at the school with her and with all the girls. 

During the year that I worked with Mrs. Nick, I learned more about ministry than I ever could have dreamed about learning. She taught me how to plan and execute a retreat, how to put on a Mass for 500 people, how to properly wash dishes for Mass, how to choose liturgically appropriate readings, and so many other fundamentals to being a successful minister. I so enjoyed learning all those things and more from her. 

Most importantly, though, Mrs. Nick taught me how to give. She taught me how to give and give, and just when you feel like you can't give anymore, to keep giving. She taught me that there are some days when you need to just sit in a rocking chair and rock for hours, just because. She taught me about synchronicities and snowflakes and how to best soak in the beauty of God in nature. She taught me how to write through her writing and her poetry, she taught me how to deliver an important message through words. She taught me presence and she taught me prayer. She expanded my love for the beauty of the Catholic Church. She taught me how to listen and how to just bask in the little things - warm toast, a smile from a friend, pretty fog in the morning. Mrs. Nick taught me how to love life. She taught me that a red jacket can change everything and that God doesn't make mistakes; that I am a thought of God and that if God stopped thinking of me, I would cease to exist. She taught me that you gotta just enjoy chicken pot pies on a cold day and scream with laughter when you want to scream with laughter. She taught me that there is nothing more important than making the girl standing in front of you feel like she is the most important person in the world. She taught me to love Frank Sinatra and country music; I can't listen to "Free and Easy Down the Road I Go" without a big smile, thinking about how much she fell in love with the spirit of country music in the last years of her life. She taught me to treat every day like a special day; to go all out in the everyday because we don't have all the time in the world to wait for the designated "special" days. Mrs. Nick taught me how to go above and beyond- how to put in that extra effort to make a person feel wonderful, how to make a feast day something the girls would remember, how spending 2 hours making button eggs is worth it so the girls will remember the point you are trying to make about life. She taught me that one tiny hazelnut can change the way you see God's love for you. She taught me that writing letters of love is often the best thing you can do for a person. She taught me that we were each created to live a word - and that we live that word out by everything we do in our lives.  

And when the going got rough, Mrs. Nick taught me how to fight on. She taught me that God has a plan and that we are in it and that even with cancer taking all the joy in the world right out from under us, Christ still loves us and holds us close to his beating heart. When Mrs. Nick got sick, I didn't know how I would get through the year by myself; her desk was 10 feet from mine, a reminder of a suffering friend who wanted nothing more than to be with her girls, sharing Jesus. So I fought on - for her, for us, for Jesus. I choked back tears as I read her talks on retreats, I thought of her as I led the girls in her favorite songs, I thought of the glorious little things every time there was joyful laughter and the sweet smell of toast in our office. I soaked in every conversation we had over the phone, with her always asking me how I was doing it all while I myself wondered how I was doing it all. The girls needed love and the girls needed to have their self-worth uplifted in them and there was no way we were giving up. And as I poured everything I had into the girls, they poured love into me...with great conversations and good hugs, lots of smiles and laughter, flowers and unexpected Starbucks on my desk, and so much more. They fought on with me through a difficult time for all of us. And as Mrs. Nick taught us all, that's what you do in life...you keep your heart up and you fight on. You fight on in the joy and the pain, in the excruciating suffering as well as the laughter, in the great days and the downright awful days. You don't give up, you don't ever give up, because there are souls to be saved and a kingdom to be built here on this Earth. Giving up preaching the Good News is not an option. 

On the last day of the last kairos of the year, I played the grand piano at the retreat center as the girls gathered around, made a huge circle with arms tight around each other, and sang "Desert Song" and "How He Loves" with me. It was one of those moments you wish would last forever. I relayed this story to mrs. Nick later on as she absolutely loved when I would lead the girls in worship. I told her I felt like I was in heaven, and her response to me was, "Dear...you WERE in heaven." Mrs. Nick knew me. She knew what made my soul sing loud and what brought me the greatest joy. She knew what I was good at and what I was downright terrible at and just always saw right into my soul. I'm grateful to have someone come through my life who knew me so well and loved me so much. 

Mrs. Nick was a woman who dedicated 20 years of her life to making sure that every year, a few hundred girls at a tiny school in California heard the Good News that Jesus loves them endlessly and relentlessly. What better work is there? To love, to give, to sacrifice with all that you have, all that you are, and all that you have been created to be. 

Thank you Mrs. Nick, for teaching hundreds of us how to do just that, and do it with a joyful heart. I miss you tremendously; pray for us, pray for me as I carry on your work, and keep dancing with reckless abandon with the saints and angels.

I love you and I thank you, today, tomorrow, and forever. 

Europe!

Hi friends!

 I'm back from a trip to Europe and I wanted to share a little bit about it with you all before I leave to lead worship all over the place this summer! This trip was one of the most joyful, miraculous, and blessed experiences of my life. While I was there, I was in Holland and Paris, France. Paris was breathtaking. All the scenery can just leave you standing in awe, and every church there will just knock you over with its beauty. I got to sit front row for vespers and Mass at Notre Dame, which just left me speechless at the beauty of Catholicism and the universality of our faith. I tried to follow along in the Mass in French and tried to sing the French hymns during vespers, which was a bit of a challenge but beautiful nonetheless. On the last night in Paris, we stayed at the Sacre Coeur basilica which was easily the coolest thing I've ever done. They have Mass at 10 PM, and after Mass only the people staying the night at the basilica are allowed to stay in adoration. There were about 5 of us left, sitting in adoration by the light of the monstrance and the glow of the votive candles around the basilica. I truly felt like I touched heaven during that hour of adoration. There are really so few words that would do justice to the experience. 

Other than that, I spent a lot of time relaxing, laughing, dancing, and having fun with some of my favorite people. I biked around Holland and visited my favorite cities and landmarks. I got a private tour of my favorite church which was truly glorious. The beauty of being in Europe brings me joy beyond measure and I cannot wait to go back. 

At the present moment, I'm packing up to head out to Steubenville Florida in the morning. I'll be going from Steubenville to Kansas for LTLC, then headed to Georgia for a week of Life Teen Camp! It's going to be a packed summer and I cannot wait for the worship, for the prayer, for the great conversations and laughter and just soaking in God in all His goodness. 

Blowing dandelions on bridges in front of castles in Holland. 

Welcome to my blog!

Hello! Thanks for stopping by my blog. ​I'll be traveling a lot this summer and am really looking forward to updating you all here! I'm excited for what God has in store and I am thrilled to think about all the great people I'll be meeting at conferences, from the teens to the awesome people who pick me up at the airport and let me stay in their homes. I'll be posting about all those things here so check back if you'd like to stay updated during my crazy summer of 2013!