Powder Blue Caskets and the Resurrection.

But if Christ is preached as raised from the dead, how can some among you say there is no resurrection of the dead? If there is no resurrection of the dead, then neither has Christ been raised. And if Christ has not been raised, then empty is our preaching; empty, too, your faith.

1 Corinthians 15: 12-14

            Little powder blue caskets are not something my humanity can stomach. 

            Last week, I sang at the funeral of a 14-year-old girl. She died of cancer after a 2 year battle with it, and the Church was full at her celebration of life...full of people in beautiful spring colors weeping for loss of this sweet young soul. She was laid to rest in a casket that was the most beautiful color of blue I have ever seen. And as they rolled her out of the crowded church at the end of Mass, I sang it for all the people to join in...

...Indescribable, uncontainable, you placed the stars in the sky and you know them by name... you are amazing God...

            My humanity does not want to sing it.

            My humanity just wants to shout and shake my fists. Really, God? How is it that you are so amazing? I prayed that you would heal this little girl over and over again. I prayed in the most magnificent of cathedrals, at the Sacre Coeur in Paris and at the Vatican in Rome. Do you not answer prayers for healing of children, even from St. Peter's Basilica?! You did not heal her and now she will be buried tomorrow. Joyful, radiant little girls should not die. We should not have to sing praise songs at the funerals of children.

            And He stops me in my humanity and in all my unbelief and speaks gently into my soul, in the way He always does...

            My daughter, do you not believe in the Resurrection?

            Do you not believe that I came to die so that every person who dies might have eternal life?  

            Do you not believe what you profess...I believe in the Resurrection of the dead and the life of the world to come...and that Christina gets to be with Me and with Me is the most wonderful place she will ever be?

            And it is then that I know, again I am reminded...I do believe. In all the suffering of this world and confusion at death I must continually step out of my humanity and believe. I am a believer in the Kingdom of Heaven. And as a believer in the Kingdom, I do not live in what I can understand as a person, I live in my deep and abiding faith in the life, death, and Resurrection of Christ. And in my faith I know that this small girl may be lifeless to us all but that her death is not the end because Christ came that we might have life.

            This coming celebration of Easter Sunday is not a day to simply wear fancy pastel clothes, go to Mass, celebrate the end of Lent, and eat good food. It is a day to rejoice in our belief because this Sunday gives meaning to our life and our death.

            This Sunday, we will celebrate. This life is not the end. Thanks be to God.

I am the Way
Follow Me and take My hand
And I am the Truth
Embrace Me and you'll understand
And I am the Life
And through Me you'll live again

-Deathbed, Relient K
 

Forward.

"You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one."

                My little sister says it out loud. She felt like reading off an inspirational quote she saw on Pinterest, she says.

                And it rings loud into the air between us because I know the truth of that statement.

                I am too often a re-reader. Perhaps you can commiserate. Maybe you are a re-reader, too.

                It is an important and healthy life skill to be able to look at, revisit, or consider the past in order to grow. Growing from the past and making positive changes because of it is very productive. However, sometimes you and I can fall into the trap of living there. We build a little house in the past and we sit in it and think and re-think and mull over everything and we let it affect our hearts and our souls and it slowly starts to steal what we own and what God gives.

                Our God gives new life. Our God gives resurrection.

                Your past does not solely consist of the list of shameful things you have done or the mistakes you have made. Living in the past consists of forming decisions based on what other people have said about you, or constantly thinking of unhappy experiences you have had. It looks like an inability to forgive those who have hurt you. It manifests in dwelling on things you wish you could have done better or things you wish had turned out differently. It looks a lot like spending a life consistently remembering the ways you have disappointed others or disappointed yourself.

                And these things, if given the power, will ruin a life that is meant to be joyful. They will make you deaf to our good God and His resounding promise..."I make all things new." They can destroy present joy, steal your faith, or leave you hopeless. Dwelling on these things can wreck relationships or rid you of any sense of direction.

                But the beauty of this life is that you and I both get to choose. We get to select our direction...forward or backward.

                I am persistently taking great steps in consciously choosing to not dwell on the things of old. For those of us who fall into this trap, it can take a continual decision against the dwelling. But today, after she says it out loud, I think to myself...

                It is time to stop re-reading the last chapter. It is time to start the new one. It is always time to move.

               Forward.

Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? Isaiah 43:18-19

The Great Swimwear Debate.

            The great swimwear debate. It is a longstanding one, filled with many opinions, heated discussions, lengthy blogs on modesty, and thoughts and feelings from all sides. 

            And yes, this year I am chiming in with a few words on the topic. I mostly wish to speak about class and how dressing with class is reflective of your dignity and worth.

            Spring break and summer are quickly approaching, which means this anticipated and/or dreaded bathing suit season is here...and I am in greater disbelief than ever before with the suits being sold to the mass market of women and the suits that have become popular in the last few years. "Brazilian cut" bikinis - also coined "cheeky bikinis" are a trend in 2015. If you are a young woman, you probably see them on girls on Instagram, at the beach, at the pool...young women hanging out in these suits in public. They look much like this...

This bottom piece you see here is laying front side down. Yes, that small piece you see is the "back."

              If wearing a small bikini was not seen as comparable to underwear in the eyes of some people before...this new swing of bikini fashion has confirmed it. These suits you see here are underwear you wear outside. 

            And to the point of class...wearing your underwear outside is not classy. 

            It is not classy to show your booty to everyone you pass by on the beach or at the pool - 18 year old and 80 year old men alike. It is not and never will be classy to put a picture of your backside on your Instagram in a bikini. Wearing a swimsuit that covers a few square inches and reveals nearly your entire body to the general public says sadly and loudly...

            "I am an object to be looked at. Here is nearly every inch of me for all the world to see." 

            Our society vehemently advocates the idea that the more skin you and I show, the more empowered we are. A new website was recently debuted on which a woman interviews other women and photographs them naked, and most of the articles I read about it shouted of how this is empowerment. Women showing everything to the world means we are empowered.

            And yet, you are so, so much more than an object. You are more than the body you live in and dressing yourself with class and your inherent dignity in mind proclaims that with conviction. You do not have to be naked or nearly naked to be empowered or to feel beautiful or to let people know that you feel great in the skin you live in. Believe me when I tell you - the more covered up you are, the more you say to the world what needs to be said to the world...a woman's body is not something to be ogled at. 

            When I am shopping for the perfect swimsuit this summer, I will look at buying from a company like Beverly Swimwear. She sells handmade suits that look like this...

            These suits champion class and dignity and respect of my body as a wonderful creation rather than an item to be looked at. You can see all of her lovely, classy, and fun suits at www.beverlyswimwear.com. In the past few years I have bought my suits at Target where they have a small selection of pretty, classy suits as well. 

            So for the sake of your worth and the beautiful creation that you are - think about it when you find yourself scanning the store racks in the next few months. The way you dress your body sends many messages about who we as women are. What do you want to tell people about the beauty women possess by the things you choose for yourself?

In Defense of Catholic Match.

"Where and when will I find Mr. Right?"

            Women write to me asking this question very often. I get e-mails from women who are struggling as they see many of their friends finding significant others, getting asked on dates, etc., while they feel alone and totally hopeless when it comes to dating. They share with me about how they pray and pray for the right man to come along, or pray to have any glimmer of hope at all by going on even one date with a good man. Dating in the Christian or Catholic world in hopes of finding a spouse can be a really difficult season of any young adult's life.

            I remember very vividly over three years ago when my sister was sharing this exact sentiment with me one night. The great men were nowhere to be found in the arenas she was involved in across the board. She knew it was highly unlikely that she would find them in the bar scene in Hollywood, or randomly bump into one in the produce section at the grocery store. She desired a meaningful and lasting relationship with a great Catholic man and hoped to be married sometime in the nearer future. As we were having this conversation one night, something stirred within me and I knew I had to push her along the way, so I made her do something I thought was totally crazy.

            I forced her to sign up for Catholic Match.

            We cried laughing as we filled out her profile, thinking it was the goofiest thing she would ever do. I was surely hoping that she would not end up even more hopeless than before as we entered her TV habits, her favorite style of liturgy, her favorite saints, and her "Agree" or "Disagree" to those 7 questions regarding how "in line" she is with the doctrinal teachings of the Catholic Church. Our sides split with laughter and God was in hysterics right along with us.  

            She met the man she would marry online a week later.

            Online dating can be an uncomfortable topic or thought for some people. My sister's story certainly does not happen for everyone who signs up because it is not a surefire way to find your spouse, but some are completely closed to the possibility. Some still feel there is a stigma attached to it...they fear or dread meeting someone and then having to explain to everyone who asks..."We met online." Some people who are struggling rightfully feel that God does not need an online resource to bring people together. Sure, he doesn't need it. But does he use it? Absolutely.

            Say what you will about online dating. I am well aware that it has brought disaster for some people, a greater hopelessness for some, and a huge cause for celebration and joy for others. All I know in my own personal life is that I will witness the most spectacular of Sacraments this weekend and will be a part of a grand party with many of my friends and family celebrating a wonderful love that God wrote into the story of the world. And the avenue He chose to make this all possible...was the Internet.

If I Had One More Week to Live.

            I have been stunned by death recently. 

            Because of all my travels, my reach to dozens of different communities is far and wide.  I feel that this makes the amount of great news I hear greater than what most people hear, and in turn it makes the amount of tragic news I hear far greater. 

            I have heard of more tragedy than my heart can handle in the past few months. Two parents of former teens have died suddenly in car accidents. An old friend in her 30s passed away from cancer. The lives of teens at parishes I have spoken at have been tragically lost. A friend of many of my good friends, a faithful father of four, was given a cancer diagnosis and died weeks later. A wonderful deacon, friend, and husband lost his life suddenly in a heartbreaking helicopter crash. The confusion about death and suffering is deep in the communities affected by these deaths. 

            And as I sit here am struck again and again by how quickly death can come.

            Through these shared stories and pain, I learn over and over again that our lives, each of our lives, could end in one short instant. The life within me is the most fragile thing I possess, yet I, like so many others, act in many ways as though this is the furthest thing from the truth.

            When I was in high school and Mrs. Nick was my religion teacher, she would give us prompts every day at the start of class to get us thinking, to pray about, or to ponder. There is one prompt that has stayed with me even until this day..."If you found out you had one week to live, who would you call and why are you waiting?"

            So with all this loss I have been thinking lately about the way in which I would choose to do things if I was indeed given one more week to live. Some would perceive this as morbidity, but this is my personal and human attempt to try to make something good come out of sadness and untimely death. 

            What would I wish I had done differently if someone told me today that my life would end so soon? 

            Quite honestly, I would wish I had worried less and lived more deeply in faith rather than fear. I would wish that I had smiled more at people more and paid more attention to listening and engaging people in conversation.  I'd wish I had spent less time on my phone and more time looking up at the world. I'd wish I had spent less time stressing about whether God would provide and just trust that when He says He will, He will. I'd wish I had hurried less and lived each moment more slowly, more intentionally. I would lament the fact that there were so many beautiful sunsets I never stopped to look at.  I'd wish I had dared to go beyond the surface in so many of my friendships with others - to be unafraid to dive into deep and meaningful instead of avoiding depth at all costs to keep everyone comfortable. I'd wish I'd spent more time celebrating myself rather than focusing on all the things I think are wrong with me. I'd wish I had done more random acts of kindness - like all those strangers I feel the Holy Spirit prompting me to encourage? I'd wish I had told them what the Holy Spirit wanted me to tell them rather than being afraid they'll take me for a nut. I'd wish I had given more and taken less for granted. I would wish I had better been able to let the little things go...because, do they really matter in the grand scheme of things? I would wish I had lived with more reckless and wild abandon. 

            I have pondered and thought deeply about these things because when I realize that my days are so carefully numbered, I look at what I'd wish I had done differently and I can change these things now. I can decide from this moment forward to live more radically and more purposefully. I want to live inside the reality of the fragility of life and I want to make positive changes because of tragedy. I want to make sense of death by changing the way I live and the way I love. 

            And so I ask you...what would your list look like? How would you live a more radical life if you found out this week was it?

            If you feel moved to...ponder these questions in your own life. May the fragility of our lives affect the way we live, the way we love, and the way we give. 

"Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom." Psalm 90:12

The Endless Road to Perfection.

"And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good." - East of Eden

            Recently, I read the tragic story of Madison Holleran, a wonderful and vibrant 19-year-old girl who took her own life last year. She was an excellent student and athlete, described as a wonderful friend and daughter, and attended the University of Pennsylvania. She struggled with depression, and her family recounts how greatly she felt the pressure to be perfect - to be a perfect athlete, to get perfect grades, to be the perfect girl. The pressure to be perfect weighed very heavily on her heart - as I know it does with some of you reading this now.

            I see all too much of this relentless pursuit as I speak to women of all ages. There are many of us who put pressure on ourselves or receive pressure from parents or family members to be the best, to get the best grades, to be the top of our class, to be the best Christian, to come in first place, to be the perfect mother, or to simply look like we have it all together.

           We are in constant pursuit of perfection because we often fall into the trap of believing that our best is not enough.

            We strive to reach a career we think will make us look perfect or attain the body we think is perfect or achieve the grade point average we think is satisfactory enough for our résumé and for getting into college. It is a vicious and exhausting cycle, this quest for flawlessness, this idea that it must be possible to do better than our best, this idea that if I fail - I must be a failure.

            Today I want to remind you of this - perhaps an evident reminder but something we forget all too often - the good news of Christ says this... You do not have to be perfect. You do not have to have it all together. I certainly do not, nor have I ever met a woman who did. The lie that we must achieve perfection in some form in our lives is simply that - a lie. The book of Genesis states it in black and white...

God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him. Genesis 1:27

            We are each perfectly created by our perfect Creator. We cannot obtain more perfection that was given to each of us when we were conceived. You and I each have our strengths and weaknesses (I, admittedly, have many of the latter), and we must recall more often that this is perfectly okay. It is okay to struggle, it is okay to be vulnerable, it is okay to have weakness. God does not expect perfection out of you. Do not be harder on yourself than God is on you.

            Today and every day, if ever you find yourself on this road, do not make it your goal to be perfect, simply make every effort to be your greatest self. Whether you are a student, mother, friend, sister, career woman - whatever roles you hold in your life - our good God is cheering you on, expecting that you do your best and only your best - because your best is what He created you to do. Your best is enough. Everything you are is and always will be enough.

To All the Seminarians.

Greater love has no man than this, than to lay down one's life for one's friends. John 15:13 

To all the seminarians,

            The other day I got a phone call from a wonderful friend of mine named David. David is a great friend from high school who is a seminarian serving for a year in the Philippines. By his holy and selfless example, David teaches me how to love, serve, and give of myself relentlessly so that others would come to know Christ. I am consistently inspired by his willingness to become a seminarian and answer a call to the priesthood. 

            Throughout my travels, I meet countless numbers of you. Each time I meet one of you, I am overwhelmed by your bravery, because I cannot imagine what it must be like to answer a call to the priesthood in 2015.

            We live in a culture fully centered on self and success, and achievement in our world is based on what we own and what we have accomplished. You have thrown this ideal out the window in the most inspiring way. You have decided to center your life completely on sacrifice. I watch as you give up your freedom to live where you choose, make as much money as you can, and go from job to job as you please. You teach me by your choosing to throw these cultural ideals out the window in my own life. Thank you.

            I am inspired by you, seminarians, because you are young men willing to lay your lives down for whole communities of people. You are willing to wake up in the middle of the night to go administer Last Rites, or to run the financial and the relational sides of a parish at the same time. You may have to hear confessions day in and day out - even when you are at the end of your rope - because you care deeply about the souls of people. Many of you will wear a million hats - CEO, listener, giver, friend, teacher, helping hand, the list goes on and on. Thank you for signing up for all of these things. Our Church needs you. 

            As I see you valiantly answering this call, my heart breaks in a way because I also know that the priesthood can also be a very sore subject in our society. Because of all the terribly tragic and unfortunate circumstances of child abuse in the past many years, we live in a society with a good number of rightfully angry people, but many of whom think and speak very poorly of Catholic priests as a whole. I wish that our great priests were able to have the other side of the story told to the world - but beautiful, quiet lives of sacrifice rarely, if ever, make the news. I am sure you have heard the opinions of angry family members or angry people. Thank you for saying yes even in the face of this terrible adversity.    

            I admire you even more because I know how many of you have sacrificed your desire to be a husband and a father to become a priest and give Christ to those looking to be loved and to know Love. I will never forget sitting at a table at a wedding reception with a young and vibrant priest friend of mine. We were talking about what it must be like to be a parent and have a child get married one day, and he said, "I always dreamed of how cool it would be to be a dad to daughters…"

            And my heart was heavy and light all at the same time as I looked at his white collar that speaks of his great sacrifice. 

            So to David, Taylor, Mark, Ben, Joe, and Tim... all the rest of you that I know and have met and all the rest of you that I do not know…thank you. Thank you will never be enough but today it is all I can offer to express how much I admire you, how brave you are, and how grateful I am for your yes because of all the ways you are needed in our Church and in our world. 

Hold steadfast and let us show ourselves courageous for the sake of our people and the cities of our God. 1 Chronicles 19:13

Some of my wonderful new seminarian friends in the Diocese of Richmond, Virginia.

Why Today is the Day to Break Up with Your Boyfriend.

            I received many wonderful responses to my piece "When God Provides." I got texts from old friends, girls I knew in high school, former students, and e-mails and messages from many other women. Some wrote with hopeful hearts, some with broken hearts, many had expectant and joyful hearts. Some wrote sharing they knew they were settling for less than they deserve. The overarching sentiment from all these women was this… "Thank you for reminding me that I deserve the best."

            So today I write to the young women settling for far from the best. 

            Life is too short to mince words here. I say this because I have a great love in my heart for you even though I may not know you. I say it because I want the best for every woman born to this earth. So yes...today is the day. The time is now. If you are settling for a relationship that is not good for you, today is the day that it comes to an end. Consider this your pep talk, a sign you have been waiting for, or some other form of courage…today is the day you must break up with your boyfriend. 

            I know well that relationships are tough work and they are never perfect. I also fully acknowledge that men are not the only ones who have the power to use another, belittle another, or infiltrate a relationship with negative actions and words. But today I speak only to you, the woman who knows it deep down - that the place you find yourself in is not right or good. 

            Perhaps you have already been mulling this over…maybe for a day, or a month, or a year. There is no need to over think it…you know well and deep in your heart if what you are involved in is good for you or not.

It is the duty of every man to uphold the dignity of every woman. St. John Paul II

            A relationship with a good man does not make you feel used, dirty, stupid, or put-down. A relationship with a good man does not lead you away from God and a life of faith, make you cry yourself to sleep, fill you with shame or guilt, or make you feel ignored. A relationship with a good man does not make you feel empty or disposable. 

            A relationship with a good man makes you know that you are honored, strengthened, set apart, respected, and of great worth. A relationship with a good man helps you to see the face of Christ and move toward this Christ. Settling for a boy or a man who makes you feel any of the former is a waste of your precious life. 

            "But I am in love with him…" "But we have been together for so long…" "I told him what I felt and I think he is really going to try to change…" "I know in my heart you are right but I. just. can't…"

            Yes. You. Can.

            Tell me a million reasons why you cannot let it go - I have heard them all. And to all of the reasons you can find, with all the love in my heart for you I want you to know this - love is not about a feeling. It is and always will be about sacrifice and the lifting up of another. Authentic love fortifies the other, magnifies God, and brings one deep peace and joy above all. Love is not about the amount of time you have been together, nor is love about breaking up and making up and jumping back in because this is what you know, this is what is comfortable. Relationships are not everything - you do not need a boyfriend to feel joyful, esteemed, or fulfilled. I want authentic love for you, and I know you desire the same. That is why today is the day. 

            Yes, ending a relationship is a scary thing. Be brave, be honest, be open, be respectful, and be bold. Life can look very different all of a sudden and your heart may very well break - but the dawn always comes after heartbreak if you press into the One who loves you endlessly. The Lord is indeed near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:19).  He is the One who will tell you by His death as many times as you need to hear it - "You are loved, wanted, precious, believed in, and of infinite worth. I have called you by name, and you are Mine." 

            Stay in a relationship that is bad for you - and you may very well miss the man God wants to write into your story now, if that be His will for your life. Spend time settling and you throw away the time you could be using to prepare your heart for the man God created you to be with. 

            If you need personal encouragement, contact me. I will e-mail with you, talk to you on the phone, whatever it takes to help you take the step you know you must take. I want you to feel encouraged, loved, and supported in choosing what you know is best for you. Take heart and know that I am here cheering you on in choosing good for your heart and in your waiting and preparing for a good man. Because you - yes, you - deserve the absolute best.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified, for the Lord your God goes with you. He will never leave or forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6

The Time I Was Invited to a Roe v Wade Party.

        I have one memory from my women's studies class in college that will stay with me forever. It happened on January 22. As class was ending, a girl nearby looked at me and said, "Hey, if you want to come, we're all having cake on the lawn this afternoon to celebrate Roe v. Wade." I don't remember her name or what she looked like. I only remember how instantaneously disgusted I was in this short exchange. 

         Women celebrating the killing of innocent lives with celebratory cake. Is this the reality of the world I live in? 

        I was so stunned and confused by this offer I couldn't muster any sort of response as to why the killing of babies is not something to be rejoiced in. I could only utter, "I'm actually pro-life...so, no." 

        The years since this moment have gone on to make me more passionate about abortion, the dignity of all human life, and the greatness of the mission God has for every woman. I have spoken with too many teen girls who have been raised in a society that tells them that killing children is acceptable...they are raised to believe that it's just what we do. 

        Recently, I was at Franciscan University for a conference with the band. We were praying in the chapel on campus and as we walked outside of this chapel, we saw the Tomb of the Unborn, where the remains of seven aborted babies are buried. I was standing behind a friend as I heard him say, "Man. He would have been born a few months before me." I closer to the grave.

         Agnes. January 21, 1989. 

       She pierces my heart immediately. I was born on July 28, 1989, about 6 months after Agnes was taken from this world. A flood of emotions comes over me, and I want to scream at the unfairness that I was given the opportunity to live and she wasn't. 

         The opportunity to live is a beautiful thing. This planet is full of so many beautiful places and so many fascinating people - we get to do things like make friends, sing songs, soak in sunsets, fall in love, swim in the ocean, ride bicycles, love people, and walk along the wonderful journey of life with Christ...all things Agnes was never given the opportunity to do.

          And though my heart is overcome with sadness, I am angry in this moment. I am angry that our culture champions the fact that because Agnes was unwanted, she was allowed to be killed. I am angry that I get to live out the plan God has written for my life and she does not. I'm mad that she will never know the beauty of creation, the gift of laughter, the wild roller coaster of life's ups and downs, the beauty of friendship, and all those breathtaking moments in life that fill you with wonder and awe. 

         And I am mad that women who think they are having cake to celebrate women's reproductive rights are actually celebrating Agnes' death. 

         So as this week brings all my sadness and anger and bewilderment to the forefront of my thoughts and emotions, I pray as I always do...that the tragic injustice of the killing of innocent life will one day come to an end. We pray for the healing of the hearts and souls of all those here on Earth so deeply affected by abortion - mothers, fathers, and families. And in my own small way I will continue to press on and teach young women about their inherent dignity and the dignity of all so that one day, if they do become pregnant, married or unmarried, ideal situation or extremely difficult situation - they will choose to honor life and carry out the greatness of their mission as a woman. I can only teach, encourage, and love them and hope that, under their care of the care of another family aching for a child, they will give the baby inside of them the same gift you and I received - the opportunity to be dazzled by this life. 

Where Two or Three Are Gathered.

            There are many wonderful things about traveling around the country. One of my favorites is attending Mass at all different kinds of churches with many different ways of doing things. Most often I am pleasantly surprised at how some churches operate, but a few times I have been shocked.

            Recently, I was visiting a friend for the weekend and we went to Mass at a parish in Southern California neither of us were familiar with. This parish was very traditional - there were big signs outside about dress code, the priest gave a homily about abortion, quoting the Catechism, and the altar servers were wearing many robes. I did not notice anything that I had not seen or heard before until the Eucharistic prayer came along.

"And looking up to heaven, to you, his almighty Father, he gave you thanks and praise. He broke the bread, gave it to his disciples,"

Click-click-click-click...

"This is my body which will be given up for you."

Click-click-click-click-click....

            There are two ushers walking down the aisle, both with their backs to the altar, each with one of those little silver 'people-counters' someone would use at an event - such as a sporting event or a place with a maximum capacity. The clicking continues throughout the Eucharistic prayer.

            It is immediately apparent... They are counting their numbers during the most important moments of the most important thing we do. And I struggle to focus because I am in disbelief. When did the Eucharist become about numbers?

            I went to one of the ushers afterward to see if my inference was correct, and he indeed responded, "We're just checking numbers for attendance." Every parish certainly needs people to attend Mass to function as an organization, but I found the time they chose to count their turnout to be very symbolic.

            I talk to remarkable, selfless people who run all types of programs in their parish ministries, youth ministries, and college ministries all the time. Many of them are often rightfully discouraged because nobody seems to be showing up. These wonderful ministers and volunteers have trouble feeling like they are making any difference in their community when 8 people come to the night they worked so hard to prepare for, or when 3 teens show up to a Bible study they have gone out of their way to make happen. Low attendance can be so disheartening, and it can take our focus quickly away from what really matters and cause us to quickly forget why we work so hard as ministers.

            But this moment in Church brought me right back to the simple truth...It is not about the numbers and it will never be about the numbers. It is always about Christ.

            If you are one of the discouraged, one of the ones who cannot help but count attendance and let that be a reflection of the difference you as an individual are making for the Kingdom...remember that the ones who do show up need you to show them Jesus. Each college student, each parishioner, each teen who shows up, even if it is just one...to that one person you may be the only opportunity in their life for someone to show them Christ and teach them about the King who died for them. You could truly be it. It is like the story about the man throwing the starfish on the beach back into the ocean. "Why would you waste time doing that, there are way too many, you will never get them all," a man scoffed at him. "Yes, but it matters to this one," he says, as he throws them back in, one by one.

            Our beautiful faith is not about a turnout, but a Savior whom each and every single person in this world needs to hear of and learn about.

            If you are one of the disheartened today or any day, take heart when the numbers may be low, for Jesus said it to us himself,

Where two or three are gathered, there I am in the midst of them. Matthew 18:20

When God Provides.

            During my freshman year at Arizona State, I was riding my bright yellow bicycle to an economics exam when my bike chain broke. It split right into two pieces.

            Annoyed at my misfortune, I walked my bike the rest of the way to the exam (I have moments where I'm still thrilled over the fact that I will never have to study economics ever again), and after it was over I walked it to the campus bike shop. They told me to come back in an hour or so and I would have a brand new chain and fully-functioning bicycle. So I went to get lunch, and then I walked back. The bike repair guy said, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we didn't have any more gray bike chains. The good news is that we had a bright fuchsia one, so we put that one on your bike." I was ecstatic. "Oh, and it also has sparkles. I hope that's OK, too. And since it's not what you asked for, we gave you a 50% discount." 

God will meet all your needs according to the riches of His glory in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19

            This one fantastic moment in the bike shop was a simple and concrete representation of so many things our good God has done in my life. 

            We often ask God for things or tell God what we need, and God always responds in some way, shape, or form. Indeed, His response is often a surprise, not always what we expect, and does not often come on our own timeline. He may give us something we did not think we need or something that is a little different. I am sure you can recall some of those moments in your own life. 

            Presently, I can see this scenario in the love story God is writing in my life. God has certainly given me a wild love story for the books. It will take me a very long time to write out the whole story one day, so I will share just a part of it with you. 

            I wondered for a long time in my teens and early twenties about what authentic love would be like. I went on dates with plenty of jerks, and over time this ultimately led me to hope...maybe I'll find a nice guy one day. 'Nice' was the bar I wanted to reach. My expectations were mediocre, in the same way that I hoped for a gray bike chain that one day in the bike shop. I thought a gray one was all I needed. I thought a nice guy was all I needed, too. 

            God certainly gave me more than 'nice' and the surprise was that the man He wrote into my life lived in Europe. His name is Daniël and not only is he nice...he is convicted, strong, compassionate, selfless, and holy. In every women's session I give, I tell the women about a letter Daniël wrote to me. After spending some time together and before we began dating, he wrote me a letter that ended with this...

            "I have desires to honor, protect, and serve you, but most importantly lead you closer to Christ in every possible way." 

            Yes, I hoped for a guy who was decent and good. God has given me more than that…much, much more. God gave me a man who has shown me Christ day in and day out. I did not know what authentic love would look like in my own life, and Daniël has shown it to me in every way. Dating someone who lives 6,000 miles away takes a very serious, strong, and deep commitment. Daniël has stopped at nothing to commit to loving me, to sacrificing for me, to leading me to a stronger prayer life, and to helping me love myself for who I am. When the going has gotten rough, he has carried me forward. He prays for me and with me. He respects my body as my own and we choose chastity together and he makes me know well that I am honored and loved. And when it recently came time to really dig in and sacrifice, he did not flinch. He moved his life halfway around the planet to show me what true love really is…true love is great sacrifice. He has sacrificed the life he knows - the people he knows and the lifestyle he knows and the home he knows - to show me his love. And I am overwhelmed and grateful because I have received so much more than I ever thought I needed. I glimpse the love of the God of the universe in the way I am loved by this man. 

            I know well and deeply that when God provides in His ways and in His timing it is always better that we imagined. And it is always more beautiful than we thought it would be. 

            Women, don't settle for less than amazing when it comes to the man you allow into your heart. If it be His will for your life, God will provide you with the most astounding love - if you settle for mediocre you will miss out on God's plan, a plan of abundance and much more joy than you ever thought possible.

            Ask the married couple at the wedding feast in Cana. They needed only a bit more wine, but God provided the astonishing abundance of 180 gallons.

            We hope and we ask for gray, and God gives us fuchsia. And not only does God give us fuchsia, we get sparkles and half-off, too.

Life Lessons from My 4th Grade Self.

"What will keep you from doing much good — is caring too much what others think." - Ann Voskamp        

       When I was in the 4th grade, I dressed up as Theodore Roosevelt.

             Each year, all the students in 4th grade were required to do a "Biography" project. We were told to pick anybody throughout history to read about, then had to dress up as the person and tell the class about their life. I picked Teddy Roosevelt. Unbeknownst to me, I was the first girl in the history of this assignment to choose to be a boy. I identified with him as a human because he had severe asthma throughout his life. I was diagnosed with asthma at the age of 2, and it was both neat and comforting to me that as children we both suffered in the same way.

                So I didn't think for a moment about what anyone would think if I put on a fake mustache and didn't present the life story of Amelia Earhart, Helen Keller, or Betsy Ross.

                I did it just because I wanted to.

                I unearthed this photo recently and have spent much time thinking about that little girl. The more I have pondered it, the more I have grown to admire my 4th grade self, because I have lost much of this courage along the way in my life.

                For a number of years, I was very conscious and worried about others' opinions. I have experienced a disheartening and difficult amount of instances of people speaking very poorly about me behind my back, both in school and in ministry. Worrying about what others thought and said about me became my greatest struggle. Because of these incidents, I tried for a number of years to blend in at school, at events, and among people because I thought…if no one notices that I am here, they cannot form an opinion about me. I didn't dare do anything different or speak up out of fear that someone would find something negative to say.

                I have spent much time, energy, and prayer moving past this, and have thought a lot about our society's preoccupation with what others think. As we grow to become adults, we waste an exorbitant amount of time in our lives worrying about what others think of what we own…what we look like…what we choose to do with our lives…what we wear…who we are. And oh, how it steals our joy, and our potential for living more radical, original, beautiful lives.           

                We can fall into this space where we don't buy the dress with the crazy pattern that we feel great in because girls might think, "What is she wearing?" We lose the bravery to ask our friends to youth group because people might say, "She is way too into her faith." We lose the courage to let fun parts of our personality shine because others might think, "Wow, she is annoying." We worry about what people will think if we speak up when we know we should, and somewhere along the way our audacity to pave a new way of doing things can completely disappear. And surely, you and I could both spend many moments wondering, "What would people think if…"

                But the truth of the matter is that you are not defined by the opinions of others, you are defined by the God who made you to be you.

                I am continually searching for the fullness of that spirit within me, that spirit of a 4th grader who wouldn't stop to wonder what other people would think or say. As I continue to re-collect this spirit of being who I am, I want to encourage you to gather your courage today. Be who you are and stop worrying what others think. Life is far, far too short for us to keep worrying and wondering. Be you. The unashamed, original, brave you.     

Keep Your Heart Up.

"When it's over, I want to say: All my life, I was a bride married to amazement." - Mary Oliver

                When I was 21 years old, I received a very unexpected phone call from a woman named Mrs. Nick. She was the campus minister at the high school I attended, but I did not know her very well, so I was surprised to hear from her. She told me very clearly that she did not know what I was doing with my life, but that she was creating an assistant campus minister in her office. She said she had gone through every yearbook from the past number of years and came upon my picture, and God told her I was the one for the job. So in a leap of faith I took the job.

                Mrs. Nick and I spent one year together working with the girls, wearing pajamas all day on retreats, eating toast, and talking about God. She taught me more than I would have ever imagined to learn from one person. At the beginning of our second year of work together, Mrs. Nick was diagnosed with a return of cancer she had already defeated 6 years prior. She lived for just 10 more months after this, and left me to carry on her ministry with young women.

               Mrs. Nick was an unbelievable writer and poet - she knew how to express God to teen girls in a way I had never experienced before. She changed the lives of thousands of teenage girls for 20 years in a little office and at quiet retreat centers.  

                Today is Mrs. Nick's birthday. I have some of her writings, I treasure them greatly, and in honor of her birthday I wanted to share with you a talk she gave on a retreat to our girls...

                "....Lately, I have been thinking heavy thoughts about God - not heavy in the sense of dark - heavy in the sense of deep.

                How is it that a person comes to believe in God - or how is it that someone can't let herself believe in God? For myself - there was never a time I didn't believe in God - from my first thoughts as a child - I always knew.

                I know from my experience as a religion teacher for the last 150 years. I have had students who didn't believe in God who had high IQs. Now, I am not saying they were especially smart or decidedly wise. But they could only believe in what they could see or prove. Others deny God because of a tragedy - they had been hurt in their lives and they couldn't explain their pain with a loving God.

                Sometimes in conversations with students about whether or not there is a God...I want to ask them something - but I don't ask this question because I want to be as respectful as I can. The question I want to ask is this... If you are so sure you know the truth about God then why doesn't that knowledge make you happy?

                Most of us are just not sure about God - from one day to the next - we blame God when things go wrong...we only remember God when we need Him. We can go for days...weeks and never think of God. Even when if God stopped thinking of you - for a millisecond - you would cease to be. Meanwhile - we have confidence in the God we're not sure of - that He will never stop thinking of us.

                My faith in God is strong - but unconventional. I'm primarily a writer and a poet - admittedly unpublished but there's always hope for that. Miss Wilson came into my life like the morning sun can wake you up in morning. She has challenged me to take a good look at how I share my faith with you. A real friend challenges you to be better. They call you to step up - so to speak. There are changes I'm making - but for the most part she is helping me not question my approach to our ministry. Together we can make campus ministry worthy of the word ministry.

                In my own unconventional way I have always compared my understanding of God with snowflakes. I've tried to explain our struggle with faith with the phenomenon of being on the verge of something. You know...you're there but not quite. You can see it and when you reach out to hold onto it - it seems to move...kind of like the horizon.

                Snowflakes are on the verge of reality - first of all. How they are made is just magical. You have to be a physicist to understand - it's remarkable, really - and then they just fall from heaven - right? They are each one unique and extraordinarily beautiful, but you can't see how beautiful unless you study them. And when you reach out to grab one...to hold onto one - it seems to disappear. But of course it doesn't disappear...all the elements are there..."

                So today is a very happy and glorious celebration of the life of a wonderful woman. Thank you again and again, Mrs. Nick, for all the hope about beauty and snowflakes and wonder and awe you planted in our hearts. I am forever grateful.

"Keep your heart up and fight on." -Mrs. Nick

Women and the Mirror.

The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. 1 Samuel 16:7

            There are dozens of tiny little dancers fluttering their way into the dance studio. Little girls in pink, in tiny little shoes, they bounce around, carefree and happy. 

            As I watch their joy I can't help but pray that they stay this way for as long as possible. They are sweet little souls without insecurity, without a concern about what they see when they dance and look into that big mirror. 

            And I watch them and I wonder about the moment that it all changes because it is no secret to you or me…we are not the girls in little pink shoes anymore dancing joyfully in front of a mirror. We are long past these days and we are well into the days of worrying about the hips we inherited from a long line of women or our cellulite or the curves we desire or the way our skin can spill over our jeans or our stretch marks or the bra size we wish we fit into. 

            Many of us do very well at worrying about what we see and what we don't see in the mirror, and many of us certainly don't feel like dancing. 

            We look long and we agonize and we over think and we wonder what others must think of this body we live in…and we give this worry the power to wreck a day, or a week or even a year or many, or the way we feel about a wonderful photo, or the love we feel worthy to receive.

            Indeed…each and every single one of us could spend our whole life upset about that reflection. We could spend thousands of moments hating the genetics we've been given and we could spend a lifetime drowning in negative self-talk. We can give these thoughts the capacity to push us to dangerous surgeries and quick-fixes and unhealthy living.

            Women…we give worry the power to destroy. And worrying about the way your body looks has the power to damage far too much in your life. 

            You might be the one who spends your days dwelling and you might spend nights obsessing and it's time to eliminate these days and nights because Christ looks at you, every last part of you, and speaks it, thunderous and true... 

...You are made in My image and My likeness and I. love. you. I love you with the hips you inherited and I love you with the belly you received from your bearing of beautiful children and I love you no matter what your thighs look like and I love you if your collar bones show or if they don't show...I love you for you and I desperately want you to love the skin that you live in...

            Dear women…please know it deep in your bones…your soul matters more than collar bones and genetics and stretch marks and bra sizes and curves or no curves.

            And the more time we spend stressing and obsessing? The less time we have to allow our soul to do what God created us to do; the less time and energy we have to positively affect every person whose life touches ours; the less time we spend in the one life we have been given loving who we are. 

            The Christ who calls you perfectly made wants you happy and healthy. We can spend hours in the gym and never lose the hips we hate and we can hope all day long to fit into a bigger or smaller size and it may never happen. Put your energy into being active, eating good things, and loving you for you. The beautiful life we've been given is not about being stick-thin or curvy, it's about being a woman who knows who she is in Christ - happy, strong, and alive. 

            The way your body looks and your worth will never have any correlation with one another. Christ calls you worthy because you are made in His image and if we would all truly embody and believe this? We could look in the mirror and rejoice. 

You make me beautiful

You make me stand in awe

You step inside my heart, and I am amazed

I love to hear you say

Who I am is quite enough

You make me worthy of love and beautiful

-Beautiful, Bethany Dillon

Just Keep Going.

           On most days when I walk into the gym in the afternoon, I can hear it from far away. It’s the sound of feet skidding loudly on the treadmill, and it convicts me all the time.

           A number of years ago at this gym, I noticed a teenage boy come in who could barely walk. He had brown hair, was a bit stocky and wore blue jeans, and wobbled around with great difficulty, relying heavily on a cane. I watched him stumble over to the treadmill and get on. And he began. He took one very slow step after the next. He would do this for long periods of time…one by one, he’d put his feet slowly forward.

           I saw him frequently, and I knew by the way he stayed on that treadmill that he was dedicated to this. A year went on and when I saw him I watched as he progressed slowly, walking a little further, walking a little easier. Then I began to go to the gym at nights, and I did not see him anymore.

           A few weeks ago, I went in the afternoon, and there he was. I was delighted to see this dedicated boy and was surprised to see him without his cane. I was even more amazed just moments later when he got on the treadmill.

           He got on that thing…and he ran.

           And in this very moment…in his simple act of running…he shows me that nothing is impossible. His feet skid loudly because he can’t pick them up all the way…but he runs.

           And I remember well the day he could barely walk and I remember how he put one foot in front of the other and I am convicted about all the times I haven’t wanted to put my foot forward. I remember the days when I have been given a less-than-ideal situation in my life and I haven’t wanted to move forward because I think that it is unfair, or too difficult, or even impossible to get through. And I know that sometimes it takes forever for me to decide to stand up and get on that impossible life treadmill. And he, through this journey I have watched him navigate, teaches me to stand up, take that first step, and carry on. And I am joyful because I am grateful for this most beautiful and simple lesson he teaches me over and over again.

             He goes most days now and listens to loud folk rock music and moves his hands like he’s playing a great guitar solo. He still wears his blue jeans and some days he runs next to me. And while he runs and he runs, with the sound of his feet he tells me…

Just keep going forward. Just. Keep. Going.

 “We glory in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance, character, and character, hope.” Romans 5:3-4

Vocational Trauma.

“You will know your vocation by the joy that it brings you. You will know. You will know when it is right.” - Dorothy Day

            Dorothy really got it right.

            Lately, I have been speaking with many young Catholic women about what can perhaps be coined "vocational trauma."

            I know and often meet many beautiful and holy young Catholic women who were raised in the faith, and I also meet and know wonderful women who converted or came to Catholicism later on in their teen years or twenties. They are all so magnificent and amazing and have so much beauty to offer the world. What has been troubling me lately is that so many I have spoken with have experienced some extreme distress at some point in time about their vocation, about what they are supposed to do with their life and how God is asking them to serve. And it has ravaged some of their lives with fear or guilt for years at a time, and I do not think this is something we often talk about publicly.

Many people mistake our work for our vocation.

Our vocation is the love of Jesus. - Blessed Mother Teresa

            Firstly. Your vocation is to love God with all your heart and with all your soul. You can choose to love God above all in everything that you do - no matter what kind of profession or ministry or life you choose to live. Your call is to love those around you - to pour Christ into their hearts and to be light in their life. That is your vocation as a Christian and a follower of Jesus. You are called to be the hands and feet of Jesus in the world. This mission we have as Catholic-Christians is a radical thing in and of itself; it changes plans and forces us to be courageous and it makes everything a beautiful adventure.

            And women, I want you to understand this...in your faith journey and in your life, God is not out to torture you. He is not out to make you miserable and unhappy and call you to a life that He knows would make you so. God knows your heart and knows best what will fulfill you in your life. And we spend so much time fearful and worried whether we are in the right place or doing the right thing or living the right life. Please stop and breathe and believe and know this... God does not want you to live in paranoia.

For God is not a God of confusion but a God of peace. 1 Corinthians 14:33

            God does not point to any certain vocation and say, "Figure out how to get there." God guides. He does not drive you in panic or anguish or confusion. He leads you and puts the right circumstances and people in your life to fulfill the plan He has for you as you keep walking forward with Him. As Dorothy Day said...you will know by the joy it brings you. For instance, God puts a glimmer in the hearts of women for motherhood who he has called to be mothers. While all women may feel that attraction to motherhood in our humanity, God puts a glimmer in the hearts of women for religious life who are supposed to be in that life. It brings them joy. Through prayer, the thought and beauty of the life God wills for you should bring you serenity, calm, and delight. And stop and breathe and believe this too...He wants you joyful.

            God does indeed call every person to a different way of life, according to the gifts that He has given them and the way he wishes them to share their gifts with the world. I assure you that whatever way of life He does guide you to - just because you are not called to the other vocation doesn't mean you aren't being generous enough with God.

            I had a long talk with a friend over the summer who had serious vocational distress for a period in her life. She told me that for so long, she felt weighed down by the guilt that she wasn't being generous enough to God if she chose to be married instead of become a religious sister. When she was finally free from these thoughts, she was able to live more fully and be present to the vocation of marriage in her life she knew God was calling her to enter into. She then expressed frustration at the fact that even when she was engaged and would meet sisters, they would prod, "Well, it's not too late to change your mind!"

My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. John 10:27

            God alone will call you to what He wills for you. Sure, other people can chime in and people have received signs or messages from the Spirit about their vocation through other people, including spiritual directors. That is certainly true and God undoubtedly works through the people around us. But the path to your vocation is ultimately between you and God. It is about your relationship with Him and what He knows will make you come alive. He will lead you there and you must rest assured in that and people may joke or encourage or push or pull you one way or the other, but the people around you are not God. God is God and He is the one you must listen to.

            So when the young little sister you met 5 minutes ago leans in and shakes your hand and will not let go, asks you if you have ever considered religious life, and tells you she thinks you would be really happy in it...you can rest assured in what God has already revealed to you and there is no need to panic. You can tell her with confidence that you are so happy she is joyful in her life, but that God has revealed to you in many ways that you are called to a different vocation than she is. And you can be at peace.

            Women, breathe in and simply bloom where you are planted. There are people around you who need the love of Christ today. Here and now. Focus now on fulfilling that first call to be Christ to everyone around you. You need not worry about your vocation or what you will do with all your days. God has you right where He wants you in this very moment and will guide you along with His glorious and loving hand. He will show you the way in peace and in love.

What We Can Learn from Little Girls.

"The beauty she shared, was, quite simply, herself. And in sharing herself, she showed me a glimpse of the glory of God." -Emily Freeman

                We have so much to learn from little girls.

                I visited my sister recently at the beach day camp she works at. There are plenty of lively little ones bouncing around, dancing to music, eating snacks. I play counselor for a day alongside my sister and it is always a beautiful and freeing day.

                On this particular day a little girl bounced up to me and sweetly said, "Hi! I'm Phoebe! Do you want to be my friend?" She looked at me with her wondering blue eyes, freckles dazzled across her cheeks. She did not wait a moment to hear a response, but enthusiastically grabbed my hand and said, "Come with me!"

                And just like that, in an instant, I was welcomed. I was greeted in her world with joy and a big smile. In just a few seconds she had shown me an invitation that reflected that she accepted me.   

                Upon reflecting on this later, I thought...how often do I as a woman express this sentiment to others? How often does a new woman come into a space where I myself belong and I greet her with love and joy and an invitation...rather than a cold shoulder or unwelcoming glance? Phoebe shared a part of herself with me in that brief moment - the part that as a little girl overflows with the desire for friends and the yearning to love others. Perhaps it is not her goal to make people feel accepted, but in her pure innocence, she does. As a 5-year-old, she does not have stacks of memories where her invitation to friendship was rejected or where she was made to feel unwelcome by other girls. Her unscathed heart encourages her to extend her hand. And so often we let our wounded hearts discourage us from reaching out. Can I let my scarred self reach out, the self that has been cast off by other women in different moments of my life?

                On another occasion I arrived to camp to see some new campers. A 12-year-old girl ran over to me on this day. "Your sister told us you were coming! Take off your glasses, I want to see your eyes!" she said. I was looking a bit disheveled, without makeup and hair tossed on my head for a day at the beach. As I hesitantly took them off for fear of what honest comment this child would drum up about the way I looked, she immediately exclaimed, "You are so pretty!"

                And I breathed in relief and I breathed out gratitude. In that moment again, I felt received and affirmed, even though she was only a small child. It completely lifted my spirit. And I sat and thought again...how often do we treat other women like this? How often do I sincerely compliment or uplift another woman the moment I meet her, rather than have a negative thought or worry that she is so much better, smarter, skinnier, or prettier than I?

                  There are thousands of women who were sitting under this roof

                                                 holding out their hearts like empty cups. -Ann Voskamp

                The women of this world, both old and young, are indeed holding out their hearts out to be filled. Women step into situations looking for someone to fill up their glass and the beauty is this...you and I can be the ones who decide to fill up the soul of every woman we meet. We come in contact with these women every day. There are girls who show up to youth group wondering if they will ever be able to make any friends. Other girls may sit at a lunch table in the cafeteria alone, hoping and praying that someone would just come up and speak into their fragile heart..."Do you want to be my friend?" Perhaps a young woman moves to a new city without friends and attends a young adult gathering hoping that some girl who is known there will come up with an invitation - a welcoming hand into a new place.

                And it is my job, and your job, to pour into other women with our acceptance, our love, and our kindness. Fill other women with affirmation and with joy. Be the woman who steps out of her own world, out of herself, to make other women feel encouraged, loved, and wanted in this world. It is our great and glorious responsibility to carry one another through this life by our goodness and by our love.

"And sisters have names. And sisters have stories and smiles and art and dreams and hopes and sisters carry each other." - Ann Voskamp

A letter to my girls leaving for college.

To my girls,

            How I wish I could sit and talk with every one of you before you go.

            All I want is a few moments with you before you jet off to arrive in your new life - heart aflutter, knees shaking, walking into a whole new world. That is not possible, so I wanted to write you a letter. Forgive me as I try to pack in a few things I would share with you over coffee.

            I am so thrilled for you to start this new chapter and head out on this new journey. I am excited for you to make new friends and go on fun adventures and learn a million new things about life. This is an incredible time - savor that excitement and the smell of all your fun new things and the awesomeness of all the unknown about to unfold. I know you are looking forward to the newness of it all and meeting people and nights spent staying up late with nobody except yourself to enforce rules. This new beginning is a great celebration. I know you are thrilled to celebrate!

            And I know that you are nervous, too. I know you are nervous about finding friends and fitting in, about classes and doing well in your studies, about what it will be like to be away from home. The thing about being nervous is -- it is perfectly normal. I have never heard of an 18-year-old who left home and wasn't a little nervous. You are in good company -- everyone moving into your dorm has spent a little time wondering or worrying about these things. Know that you are not alone in this, and that all will be well.

            Please also know that college is not the time in your life for "fitting in." College is a time for you to be you. Perhaps you don't know who "you" is...in that case, now is a beautiful and fantastic opportunity to find out more about yourself and who you are - what you like and don't like, what drives you, what you are passionate about, and more. In this search and all your growth, there will be plenty of people who may try to shape you into the person they think you should be. Perhaps that could be your roommate, friends, or boyfriend. Do not listen to that noise. Don't ever listen to that noise. Don't let anyone talk you into doing something you don't want to do or being someone you do not wish to be. I know too many people who wish they had chosen different friends or different relationships because they felt pressured to be someone they were not or be involved in things they didn't want to be involved in. Girls, be who you are. If people don't accept that? Move on and search for people who do. Don't ever feel like you are stuck with the friends you have. Cultivate friendships based in real and true values - not surface junk that makes up so many "friendships" these days. In college, there are plenty of people for you to introduce yourself to and plenty of wonderful friends to be made.

            As for dating in college, this is not high school any more. You deserve to be pursued! You should be taken on dates (however simple they may be on a college budget), and boys should act like men. If you keep the bar set low, they will certainly meet your standards and expectations. But if you keep your standards high, you will give the males around you the opportunity to rise to the occasion of dating an amazing girl like you. Many will not - some will. Don't be overly concerned with getting any certain boy to like you or getting in a relationship. If that happens, wonderful. If it doesn't, just have fun and enjoy this time you have to yourself! Don't spend your time in a relationship you know is bad for you, either, for any reason. I did that for far too long and it is a great regret of both my college experience and my life.

            And you know all those people at the "parties"? Plenty of them are there with the false notion that they must go and get drunk or do drugs to fit in or have fun. And really, that is just pathetic and very sad. So much of the so-called "college experience" centers around this and it can foster so much more bad than good in your heart and in your life. There are thousands of fun things to do in college other than go to parties or get high. I can promise you that.

            As for me, I will not soon forget my college experience - the sights, the sounds, the late nights spent putting news stories together, the incredible amount of Golden Grahams I consumed. I will never forget how crazy it was that no one was making me go to class; I got to choose to go! I will always remember skating around campus at night and studying in the underground library. I will not soon forget how much I loved going to women's studies class and learning about the history of women in America, along with so many of my fun journalism classes. I will never forget the passion the people around me had for journalism and for telling stories. I loved how welcome I felt at the Newman Center, and peace flooded my life when I started going to the daily Mass they offered at noon in the campus chapel for students (I highly recommend you find the one they offer on your campus!). On the other side of things, I will also never forget when 3 months into freshman year a girl in my math class had to tell us she got pregnant at a party and had decided to leave college. Nor will I ever forget the pretty blonde girl who was unconscious on the walkway at night being tended to by paramedics because she drank too much. I saw a number of people fail out of school and I also saw many people excel in their major. I met people who were so kind and inclusive to others and I met people who never had a nice thing to say about anyone. I saw so much good and so much bad during my time in college - and when it comes down to it the most magnificent thing I learned is that I always got to choose. You get to choose, too.

            And with a full heart I hope and pray that you choose to remember your worth. Do not for a moment forget how valuable, loved, beautiful, and smart you are. And if you ever fail to remember these things, don't be hard on yourself. Life is a learning experience and no one gets it all correct. Love God, love others, and love yourself. I am so excited for you on your new adventure, and I am still here for each and every one of you if you ever need me.

Lots of love,

Emily

LTLC, Night Two.

            I wrote a short note last week about the most powerful moment I've experienced in my time in ministry, and these are the best words I can find to describe some of the most heavenly few moments I have ever lived in.            

            The Life Teen Leadership Conference is a beautiful week-long conference for juniors and seniors in high school who are leaders in their church community. They are trained to be stronger spiritual leaders, challenged to look at the decisions they are making in their lives, and they are able to make friends with other young Catholics from all over the country. On the second day of the conference we broke into afternoon men's and women's sessions. These teens were led to look at their lives and their masculinity and femininity in new ways. Teens very often come out of these sessions newly convicted about the truth of who they are.            

               During the men's session, the young men were challenged in a deep and powerful way to do many things, including step up in their lives and defend their faith as well as honor and uplift women. This translated in immense ways into the night of worship.            

              That night during the main session as we were leading the teens in How He Loves, my good friend and host for the week Steve walked out and asked the young men to sit and the girls to keep standing. The girls were to continue to sing How He Loves and Steve challenged the young men to think of their mothers as the young women sang - to pray for their mothers and to love them in listening to the song. It was a beautiful and powerful moment to see these boys with their heads in their hands, their hearts and prayers directed toward their mother or mother figure in their life. The song of the few hundred young women was pure and stunning.            

I am still trying to find words for what happened after that.          

            Steve asked the young women to sit down and the young men to rise. The next thing he said went something like this, "I'm not sure I'm going to be able to get through this…but these young women have all been hurt by men in some way, many very deeply…" He went on to speak of the pain of every woman in the room…brokenness due to rejection or abuse or pain from a father or a boyfriend or a friend. As a woman I could tangibly feel those memories and feelings flood right back to these girls, brimming over in immediate tears and tangible sorrow.           

            And Steve told the men that this was their time to sing over these women. It was time to sing over them and in that song, allow Christ to heal their pain and their brokenness, to lift them up to Christ and allow Him to touch them and mend their souls.           

 And the young men sang. 

       "When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,                       

                 And I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me…"          

The conviction was unfathomable.            

             It was as though Christ spoke into the heart of every single young man and told him that this was his chance to heal these girls; this was his moment to right all the wrongs and pour out a profound prayer of love and of sorrow for what has been done to their fragile hearts. And I looked out and eyes were closed and arms were outstretched and the glory of heaven shook that theater for a whole few minutes. And I wanted every girl I have ever come in contact with …every woman in this entire world… to be in that room. You could hear the healing happening. You could feel Christ touching the hurt and making beautiful things and holding all these young women with the singing of these young men.            

             And I couldn't help but sob and let Christ hold me and heal me with their song, too.             I sobbed for every girl who has ever shared her pain with me…I sobbed for the girls who are used and abused and for the women lonely and unloved... for the women whose self-image has been formed by pain from men and for all the young women just feet away from me in the room who told me of their scars after our women's session. And as the men continued to sing my crying turned into a cry of gratitude…gratitude for the fact that Christ can sing over me and these other women through our brothers, through young men who want more than what the world offers them, through young men who want to rise and take courage and stand up for something they believe in. And I really could not help but pray that God would let me stay in that moment, in that hope and in that peace, forever. 

Joy Will be Yours.

        My life isn't really happening the way I planned for it to.

         I was supposed to be a broadcast journalist. I was supposed to stand in front of the camera and tell you about the game or sit in the director's chair and manage 12 people with different tasks while we were going live on television.

        And it's no secret that I'm not doing either of those things.

        I am speaking to people all over the world and I am making music.

        It was never my plan to share my words, thoughts, and lessons I've learned with the world. And then God called me to by the opportunities set before me. It wasn't my plan to lead people in song day in and day out...and it's the most beautiful thing I could have ever dreamed about being a part of.

        I wake up in a beautiful sort disbelief every day about what God has unfolded for me every step of my young life so far. I am humbled and blessed to do the work that I do, and I am humbled and blessed to share my newest project with you.

        Late one night, I was reading a heart-wrenching testimony of one woman's loss on her blog. She was sharing some of the deepest places in her heart, and spoke of one of her greatest moments of darkness and desperation in her life. She said that in that moment of overwhelming and crippling  fear and darkness, in a place she felt she would never know joy again, she felt Jesus lean in close and whisper, "Joy will be yours."

         I went to bed shortly after and woke up in the middle of the night with a song in my heart. I went to the piano and wrote it out. It was and is a song for this woman and for all the hopeless in the world.

                "This dark night will end as He brings forth the dawn....

                                Sorrow will be no more as He sings over you, joy will be yours....."

        I don't know that the woman will ever hear it; perhaps I was supposed to write this song just to reach one soul in the world. And whoever that soul is, I can only hope they feel Christ speak to them in those words...Joy will be yours. Joy is ours because Christ won the victory on the cross... He pulls us out of our dark places and brings us to Him, brings us to light, brings us to peace. It is really the most beautiful reality.

         The other song that I've written on my new project is called "Cling to You." For a period of my life during prayer I would see myself in the scene on Calvary, holding tight to Jesus on the cross, holding on for dear life in sorrow that He had been crucified. This song is about that image, that picture, that prayer, and what my heart cries out to Christ in that moment.

         I am grateful to have been able to record Oceans for so many who asked me to so they could pray along with it. I am also grateful to have recorded Doxology. For those of you who have never heard it, the words were written by Thomas Ken in 1674.  The doxology is a widely used hymn, and many do not know that is the last verse to a beautiful and longer hymn he wrote called "Awake my Soul and with the Sun." Lastly, Beautiful and Yours is a song written by my friend Pete Buncher. It is based on Psalm 23, and speaks of our identity...that each of us belongs to Christ, through and through, no matter how many times we may fall or how far we may stray from His love.

            "You define me, Lord, beautiful and Yours. And though I've fallen short,

                                              Your love is still moving through my heart..."

         I am thankful to God for giving me the gift of music and giving me a means to share it with others. I pray that anyone who listens to my music would have an encounter with the Christ who calls us all to bravery in sharing what He gives us to pour out into the world.

Photography by Natalie Duke.