To the Girl Being Used by the Guy Next to Me at the Gym.

Dear sister,

       I don’t know who you are. I don’t know your name. But I wish very much that I did.

       I am writing to you because I was sitting next to a guy at the gym tonight who knows you. It was very clear he isn’t your boyfriend, but that he “hooks up,” as he says, with you, or sees you just about every night of the week.

       He and his friend were having a conversation tonight as they lifted next to me, and he said some things about you that I want you to know. He apparently thinks he has you hooked and invested, completely enamored with who he is and the role he is playing in your life. “If only she knew what your game plan was on guys night out! She’d be crushed!!” his friend says as they laugh together. I was growing more upset for you as this conversation went on.

       “Yeah, I’ve got her hooked. And she is going to need some heavy duty scissors to cut herself loose.” These two go on and on. Typical guys you can often find in the gym living in the beach cities of California - muscular, tan, good-looking. “You don’t care about how she feels?” “Heh, of course not. I’ll drag it out, get in a couple fights, then let her go.” 

       They never said your name. They never spoke about you as though you were a woman with real feelings - more than an object for pleasure or play. I’ve been feeling the weight heavy lately - the weight of the sadness women who settle for being disrespected and used - and you know, I don’t know you, but I went to the bathroom and couldn’t help but shed a few tears for you and for all the women settling for garbage like this. I wanted so badly to stand up for you - but my heart is too heavy and I just couldn’t hold it together for long enough to do that.

       I wish I knew who you are because I want to tell you that you deserve more than what you are settling for. This guy deserves nothing from you - he has not earned it. And I tell you this with compassion, not judgment. I want you to know that there is better than this. I want you to know that you are worth so much more than use. You deserve to date a man who wants to commit to you, to treasure you, and to show you the respect you deserve. 

       I want you to know that it is sad that this guy is using you but it is also sad that you are allowing yourself to be used. That you are giving your body away to a guy who could not care an ounce less about your heart, or your feelings, or your soul. I admit I do not know how you feel about the whole situation - I do not know how you have come to this place - I do not know if anyone has ever stopped to tell you just how important and priceless you are. 

       I receive many emails from girls who have friends in situations like yours - friends letting themselves be used by one or many guys like this one. They don’t know what to say to friends who are letting themselves be objectified and played and manipulated. Their hearts are broken but they don’t know how to approach the situation. My sister, we as women have an obligation to one another that is hard, but necessary, to uphold and live out. We are responsible - if we are going to be real, true, good friends - for taking the hands of our friends and looking them in the eyes to say…you deserve better than what you are settling for. Not in judgment, not in condemnation, but in love. We must do this for one another. It is what any shred of an authentic friendship requires - it is what sisterhood demands of us. Too many of us do not do it - we fear our friends will think we are judging, are shaming - but if one person gathers the courage to tell a friend she deserves better, that could just be the one thing she needed to hear to change her ways. We must remind our sisters of their worth. It is our grand responsibility to one another.

       I do not know if this letter will get to you. Maybe one of your friends will see it and share it with you. Crazier things have happened. But I hope that before this guy can drag it out, get in a couple fights, and cut you loose…that you call him and tell him that you deserve better...that you end this thing - and for the rest of your days you only give your time to men who honor and respect you for the glorious girl you are and were created to be. 

You are loved, you are loved more than you know. 

Your sister,

Emily

 

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The First Female President We Actually Need.

       I have hoped for a female on the Presidential ballot since 1992. 

       My amazing mother brought me to the polling booth when she voted for President in that election. I was just over 3 years old, and as my mom engaged me in what she was doing, she told me the choices we had were Ross, Bill, and George. 

       “No girls?”  

       No girls, indeed.

       Yes, I have hoped for a female President since the age of three. It is possible that I will see a female President in my lifetime, and as someone who works closely with women of all ages day in and day out, there are some things I see that women are in great need of…and there are attributes I pray that our first female President, whenever she may be elected, possesses. 

"Women naturally seek to embrace that which is living, personal, and whole. To cherish, guard, protect, nourish, and advance growth is her natural, maternal yearning." -Edith Stein

       This is my hope. 

       I hope that our first female President represents America well, and most importantly represents who we are as women very well. 

       I hope that the first female President is one who champions what women were created for - love. We were made to love, nurture, and care for others - it is woven into the fabric of our God-given DNA. We cannot deny it or escape it. We have “maternal instincts,” which, when encouraged and cultivated properly, have an extremely beautiful impact on the world around us. Women come to life when they are able to carry out their natural longings - when we are encouraged to live compassion and selflessness and grace. We need women who have come alive - not women trying to compete, trying to push, trying to fight - but women alive with love who exist with an inner peace that can transform the world. 

       I hope that the first female President is one who encourages women to be peaceful, kind, gentle, and strong. We were made to be incredibly strong and stand up for ourselves in every situation and season of life, but we were not created to be aggressive. True womanhood and aggression cannot coexist. Aggression is contrary to femininity. Our culture is vehemently promoting the opposite - it pushes the agenda that they cannot exist apart from one another. It is essential to teach women growing up today that this is not the case. 

       I hope for my 3-year-old self that our first female President is a woman who truly supports women, yet helps women to understand clearly that there are consequences to our decisions and our actions. 

       I pray she is a woman who recognizes that a woman who becomes pregnant and unable to care for the child must be supported and loved - not encouraged to kill the child within her. I hope she is a woman who knows and is not afraid to proclaim that abortion is and always will be an act which goes against every fiber of our being…and that support, love, and encouragement toward avenues that will not leave them with lasting and excruciating regret is what mothers who find themselves terrified, lost, or alone truly need. 

       I hope that in her revolutionary role of leadership she sees clearly that "women’s liberation” should be about freeing us from the chains of the culture’s lie that we need Planned Parenthood, freeing us from the lies being told to us that our identity as women is almost solely entwined with the fight over “reproductive rights", and making clear the true definition of women’s empowerment - to empower women to live out their feminine genius.

       I hope that she fights for equality of pay among men and women, because men and women certainly deserve equal pay for executing the same profession. But I also hope she recognizes that men and women are not one in the same. We both deserve to be treated rightly and justly, but are each individually different and contribute magnificent, yet different, offerings to the world. 

       I hope she is a woman who understands that every woman needs to be cheered on and supported well in this trying, taxing, beautiful life - the single woman in Mississippi who has been taking orders at the same small diner for twenty years - the married mother of 7 in Iowa who is running a messy, wonderful household - the twenty something entrepreneur in New York who spends her days climbing the corporate ladder and running business meetings - the single mom in Oregon working 3 jobs and trying to hold her family and herself together. They all need to know they are remembered - they all need to be encouraged to keep on keeping on. 

       She will have a massive job – politics, I know, is a very ugly world. However, there is no denying we have had some great leaders of our country in the past few hundred years – men of great integrity, men who value life, men who were not aggressive or dishonest but had a quiet strength that carried this country to good things.

       There is no way to tell if it will happen in my lifetime – but I pray that if one day a female walks into the Oval Office to lead our nation, she represents the men and women of our country well – and that she embodies who we are meant to be as women by seizing her role with great power and integrity, with authenticity and compassion, and with tremendous strength and virtue.

“The truth is no one else can fill that role. It is a perfect fit, divinely designed… this, the role women are called to live for the common good.” - Mrs. Nick

Wedding Nights and Wedding Rings

       Anyone who has walked the road can tell you...saving sex for marriage is a challenging journey.

       You can listen intently to people who say it is worthwhile and read all about it and see some concrete fruits of it in your dating relationships, and believe wholeheartedly that it will all have been worth the wait if you enter into a new life with a carefully chosen spouse. Everyone who makes this choice makes it for a different reason...some make it for reasons based on faith, some people make it for health reasons, and some people recognize the many benefits outside of faith that come along with such a commitment. Whatever the rationale behind the choice, it is a challenging journey filled with tough decisions, hard conversations, and plenty of snide commentary and patronizing remarks.

       This decision, however, is not like other tough long-term decisions. Consider a weight loss journey - when you decide to lose 40 pounds - you work off 10 and you can feel yourself thinking…wow, this is worthwhile. I’m going to keep at it even though it's really tough. When you have tangible proof of every little hard choice of healthy eating and exercising within days or weeks, it makes it easier to press on.

       But this commitment is not like a weight loss journey, or paying off your graduate school loans little by little and watching the dollar amount go down…there is no way to really know in the thick of it just how worthwhile it will be to endure all the name-calling and laughter in a world that tells you sex is as casual and commonplace as ordering a pizza.

       I have walked the road with all it entails. This is what I have learned; I want to share it with you from the other side.

       Saving sex for marriage is worthwhile because the day after your wedding night you see this ring on your left hand. I picked a sparkly double row diamond band and he chose a white gold pipe cut band. We shopped long and hard to find the perfect ones.

       There is a common misconception about wedding rings, and I know this because I am a woman who has been in conversations with groups of friends about attractive men observed in public…women trying to check to see if there’s a ring…when they see the ring on his left hand flash by... "Darn it, he’s married!”

       Here is the thing…this ring does not just mean he is married…his ring is a sign that a woman promised his life to him. The ring is a sign of her promise, not his. The one she wears is the sign of his promise…as he puts the ring on her hand he says to her, “I give you this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity.” So when you see a wedding ring on someone’s hand, it is a concrete sign there is someone, somewhere in the world who promised to love that person forever.

       On New Year’s Eve 2015, I woke up with a sparkly wedding ring on my hand. The day before, my spouse had placed it on my hand and promised to love me - in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, for all the days of his life. Waiting until that ring was on my hand to give my virginity to a man was the best decision I have ever made (other than my decision to follow Jesus, of course).

       Why? Because this ring did not leave any room for worry. This ring eliminated any possibility of regret, panic, or fear. This ring made it impossible for me to worry about what would happen next…it eliminated the questions that can fill people’s heads after sex with a stranger, with a boyfriend or girlfriend, with a friend….Will he call? What is she thinking? What did I just do? Are we now in a relationship? What happens now? What if someone finds out? What if I get pregnant? Should I feel guilty?

       This ring on my hand was the assurance that none of those questions were necessary. This ring meant he would call. It meant that he would still be around in 3 weeks, 6 months, and five years. It meant that if I got pregnant, he would be right beside me for every moment of a pregnancy, of raising a child, of seeing that child into adulthood. It did not leave any room for feeling guilty, sad, regretful, or scared...it only made way for feelings of deep joy, peace, and the knowledge that I am loved - all of me - exactly as I am.

       Do not let anyone convince you otherwise…

       Waiting until that ring is on your hand is the best thing you could ever do for your current self, your future self, and your future marriage.

       It is a worthwhile decision to save sex for marriage - whether you ever end up getting married or not. And you know...if you have not waited until that ring was on your hand...you can decide to begin anew today. I have countless friends who came to an impactful day in their lives when they decided...from this day forward, I will wait for my husband or wife. Do not underestimate the power of our good God who promises to make all things new.

       My friends, there is often great difficulty in making commitments which uphold our dignity, worth, and value - these resolutions consistently go against everything the culture proclaims from the rooftops about who we are and what is good and what love is. But these are the decisions which bring about true fulfillment, lasting peace, and authentic love. These are the decisions you will never regret...these are the decisions which made our wedding night beautiful.  

Photo by Elissa Anne Photography.

Photo by Elissa Anne Photography.

Finding Light In A World Filled With Hatred.

       In a world full of hatred, we have to choose what we pay attention to. 

       Last week we went out for a Friday night dinner on the beach. We got take out and sat on the sand watching the surfers catch the last few waves before they lost the sun.

       A father and son came down the big wooden staircase to the sand to catch the last few minutes of the cotton candy clouds. The dad, dressed in jeans and a baseball hat, held his son’s hand as they walked down - the son was no more than 2 years old. 

       This toddler hopped around excitedly as his bright blonde curls danced on his head and his dad took in the view. This little boy ran to a big rock, excitedly picked it up with two hands, and tottered over to stand at his father’s feet. He lifted the rock to his dad, who turned around and happily said, “Thank you!” 

       The little boy continued to collect rocks and offer them as gift to dad. He started to make a collection, a little pile right by dad’s feet. 

       In a world full of hatred, it is essential to stop and watch this scene.  

       I soaked in his innocence and his joy - I soaked in his first thought to offer a rock to his daddy - I soaked in the beauty of children’s fascination with the simplest things of the world. 

       You and I are both well aware the extent to which we are surrounded by hatred. As humans kill innocent humans in airports, finishing marathons, going to concerts, while refugees continue to flee for their lives, while nuns fight for their right to religious freedom…the light is hard to see. 

       It is hard to see, but it is there…and we have to choose to pay close attention to it. 

       The light is in watching the toddler give rocks to his dad. 

       It was getting cold and Daniel asked if we could go. I asked for two more minutes to enjoy this little boy’s joy. As we started up the wooden staircase, I asked the dad what the little boy’s name is. 

       “His name is Calvin. We call him Calvie.” 

       You gotta watch Calvie and soak it in. It is no longer a should - it is a must. It is imperative to our survival in our broken and devastated world - it is imperative to holding onto hope that there is beauty to be had and seen. We cannot take moments of joy and peace for granted anymore - they are precious and deserve all of our attention. 

       As I write this in Starbucks, a mom and her daughter are standing in line together. Mom is braiding her daughter’s hair while they talk and laugh.

       The light is out there. 

       Watch closely for it and when you find it, don’t look away from it too soon. 

What I Want to Say to Women Who Have Been Hurt by Men.

       It is coming up a lot these days in my conversations with women and it shatters my heart every time. 

       They share with me stories of hurt, sorrow, manipulation, and abuse at the actions of men. It will never become easier to hear. I will never grow numb to hearing them speak their brokenness out loud. 

       I am grateful for their willingness to share with me. I am thankful that they feel that my heart is a safe place to pour out their pain. I have been moved this week to share some of the thoughts I give to them right here...this is for any young woman I will never be able to speak to in person...this is for all the young women who need to know these truths.   

       Young women, I know that many of you - perhaps all of you - have been hurt by men in some way. For many of you, I know this hurt is very, very deep. While I cannot speak on behalf of men, I first want to tell you how sorry I am for what you have been through. I want you to know that no woman ever deserves to be hurt by a man, and there is nothing you have ever done to deserve the pain you have experienced. No action or inaction you have ever taken warrants the hurt that has been done to you. I am so, so sorry.

       Kelly Clarkson's song Piece by Piece tells the story of the pain she suffered from being abandoned by her father. Later on in her life, in journeying with the man who would be her husband and seeing the deep and genuine goodness within him, she writes...He restored my faith that a man can be kind and a father could stay. 

       Sister, I want you to hear me when I say...The way men have treated you in the past is not the way every man will treat you throughout your life. There are kind men in the world. There are men in the world who are good. 

       It is easy in the midst of significant hurt to submit to the trap of believing that all men are unkind - that all men may be hurtful, manipulative, or abusive. I watch young women yield to this belief, and I know their stories - and I know why they do. I do not blame them for believing it. I do not blame them for allowing men to treat them poorly time after time - they have been conditioned to believe that this is all there is, that these are the only kind of men that exist. If you have given into this belief, I want you to know something...

       There are men in the world who have goodness running through the core of who they are. There are men in the world who are gentle and honest. There are men in the world who are willing to sacrifice and love deeply. There are men in the world who choose to baptize their dying newborn twin daughters in a moment so powerful that when you read about it you can barely keep from crumbling. 

       I promise you this - the good men in the world may be difficult to find, but they are many.

       I want you to know this, too, in your head and your heart - that not every man is out to hurt you, or manipulate you, or abuse you - because I see you running to things to heal this hurt. The world offers us many suggestions as to good band-aids for pain. Those band-aids, however, only cover up...they do not provide any real healing. The real Healer the world would never tell us about is Christ. He wants to place His healing hand on your broken heart, and make it whole again. He wants to restore your faith that men can be kind. He wants to restore your belief in your worth, your wholeness, your beauty, and all that you have to offer the world. 

       In the depths of brokenness, God brings magnificent restoration. Today I pray that if these truths speak to your life, if you have experienced this pain - that God would bring good men into your life - as he did for dear Kelly - to restore your faith that men can be kind. And good. And true. 

I will turn their mourning into joy, I will comfort them, and give them glass for sorrow. Jeremiah 31:13

Piece by Piece - A Letter to Dads With Daughters.

       To all the dads with daughters. 

       I write to you today because last night I watched Kelly Clarkson’s performance on American Idol of her song “Piece by Piece.” It struck me right through the heart, showing me evermore the profound role of a father in the life of his daughter. 

       The love a father pours into his daughter’s life is a factor that sets the tone for her walk into young womanhood. Kelly’s father was completely absent from her life - the song is about the love she found in her devoted and selfless husband and the way this love put the shattered pieces of her heart back together, after feeling abandoned and unwanted for so long. The song is astonishingly beautiful. 

       There are so few words to describe the innate and profound desire we have to be loved and accepted by our fathers - it a desire that must be experienced to be fully known. It is a desire that must be lived to be fully felt. A girl’s need for her father’s love runs deep in the fabric of her heart and soul. The inherent desires we feel as females - the desires to feel protected, treasured, loved, and worthy - you are the very first person we look to to fill these desires. You hold a grand responsibility...You draw the blueprint. You create the map. 

       The way you treat your daughter as she grows is the blueprint she will use to determine what she deserves in her early stages of life. You hold the power to show her the love she deserves. The love you give to her is the love she will grow up believing she should accept; it is the bar she will set. If the bar is set very high, she will accept and form relationships with men who treat her with dignity, value, and love you showed her was possible. If the bar is set very low it will take possibly years of restructuring her heart to help her see what she deserves and what kind of love is possible. Kelly Clarkson attributes her realization as to what she deserves to finding a man willing to shatter her low bar to help her believe in the kind of powerful, deep, and unwavering love she deserves. Fathers, you get to choose what the blueprint looks like - the one she will pull out of her back pocket every time she meets a man and gauges whether or not this is what she should accept. She will look at it again and again - and make choices based on it, again and again. 

       I want you to remember that every little outing with you lights up your daughter’s soul. Every time you tell her she is beautiful - inside and out - it gets etched into her young and growing heart. Every time you share a laugh, hold her hand, share a smile, every time you make it known to her by your presence that she is more important than work, than emails, than your phone, than your own friends - you shape her heart. You carve a space into her soul that helps her to always remember...I am important. I am worthy. I am loved by the first man I ever hoped would love me. 

       If you do not pour into her the fatherly love and attention her soul needs, it is likely she will go looking for it in other places. It seems obvious but in a world suffering from a "crisis of fatherhood” - it may not be so obvious to all. There is a reason that when so many girls sit down to have a heart-to-heart with me, they begin their sharing with “Well, first you should know - I have textbook daddy issues.” It is a term I hear more than you would expect - it is the term through which a young woman tells me in lesser words, “I did not get the love I needed from my father, so I have searched or am still searching for it elsewhere. It is part of the foundation of who I am.” My heart breaks every single time. No young girl’s heart should have to be restored and put back together throughout her life because of her father’s lack of love or presence - yet so many young women face this daunting and undeserved journey. It should not be so. 

       Fathers, I know you are busy, and overwhelmed, and stressed with the weight of the world and the weight of your family and the weight of your job on most days. I cannot imagine what it is like to be a father - complete with the many duties of caring and providing for others. I cannot imagine the reality of being surrounded by a family dependent on your work, that ebbs and flows with your successes and shortcomings, and looks to you for leadership. You have an enormous role to play, and a difficult role at that. But there will always be stress. Life’s curveballs will always be overwhelming. There may be days where your humanity screams at you to run from it all. But in the midst of all the commotion of life - your daughter needs you. 

       I have walked with too many young women whose fathers did not have time for them. To make up for this lost time, these dads would buy their daughters stuff to compensate. They would host parties at their home and supply all the alcohol with the intention of earning their daughter’s love and approval. They would buy cars, bags, vacations, and concert tickets to make up for the time they were not spending with their daughter. The girls liked the things, of course - but in reality all of it means nothing in light of a daughter’s real need. Presents will never, ever equate to presence. Your daughter does not need things - she needs you. Your work, your travel, the stresses of your job and life will never be more important than your daughter’s need of your love. Stuff will never fill up her heart. Your love will - time with you will - your belief in her always will. 

       I also know that sometimes you do not know what to say, especially as your daughter grows up. “I love you and I believe in you” resonate in a young girl’s heart beyond what you can fathom. She needs to hear it from you - to be loved and believed in by a father sets a girl free to be herself and believe in herself and her abilities. To know that my daddy believes in me is an invaluable truth that I always keep tucked away in my heart - there are days when it is the reason I press on. Tell your daughter you believe in her - often - and she will gently tuck it away and use it as a pillar to lean on throughout her life. And perhaps, as she grows, you will come to feel like you just do not understand her - do not worry, we as young women often do not understand ourselves. However, she is not looking to be understood - she is looking to be loved. Even on the hard days, when it seems you can do nothing right - she still needs to know you are there, loving her through the mess that is growing up sometimes. Keep on loving her. Keep on offering your presence. Keep on reminding her that you are one constant that she can count on and lean on, always. 

       Lastly, fathers, your daughter is not looking for you to be perfect - she is looking for you to try your very best. Your unwavering love is a gift to her that will stand the test of time. There is good reason I sob like a child every time I read the letter my father wrote me a few hours after I was born. It is my most prized possession. Every time I read it I know that from that moment I have always been wanted by my father. I have always been loved. I have always been cherished. I have always been worthy. I will never take that for granted because I know I am more than blessed. 

Certain is it that there is no kind of affection so purely angelic as of a father to a daughter. In love to our wives there is desire; to our sons, ambition; but to our daughters there is something which there are no words to express.
—Joseph Addison

 

On Marcel Viti, Catholic Lawyers, and Why You Don't Have to Go Into "Ministry" to Change Lives

        A few weeks ago at a conference, I was talking with a young woman in college who was telling me about her plans for the future. She expressed that she wants to be a lawyer, but that she doesn’t know how she could do ministry as a lawyer. She said that she thinks she might have to forego her dream in order to become a youth minister in order to do ministry in her life.

        I was grateful to be able to provide her with an alternate view - the truth that ministry can be practiced in each and every profession she could ever imagine pursuing. I told her about our ever-growing need for steadfast and unwavering Catholic lawyers to fight for what is good and true in our system of law. It was obvious that she had never thought of it this way before…anyone in any profession can do incredible ministry.

        In fact, one of the millions of divine synchronicities that occurred to bring about my existence in this world was the generosity of one amazing Catholic lawyer. His name was Marcel Viti.  

        My wonderful grandfather, Thomas F. Wilson, grew up in an orphanage. During the Depression, his father left the family and his mother could not afford to take care of her children alone. I cannot imagine the excruciatingly difficult decisions people had to make during this time in our country’s history. She decided it was necessary to send them to a Catholic orphanage in Philadelphia to be raised, educated, and cared for, so my grandfather was raised by nuns. He was sent through their high school, and upon his graduation day, he was given a one dollar bill and a rosary. It was all these nuns could send the young boys into the world with - education and faith.

        My grandfather worked different trade jobs throughout his teenage years and into young adulthood. In his twenties, my great uncle George told my grandfather about a lawyer named Marcel Viti who was in need of a secretary in his office. My grandfather applied for the job, and became Marcel Viti’s secretary. 

        Marcel was an extremely influential lawyer and highly-regarded man throughout the world. As my grandfather continued to work in his law office, Marcel saw his dedication to working hard and learning. He made a proposition and offer to my grandfather - he offered to put him through law school if he continued to work in his office during the day. My grandfather accepted and went to the University of Pennsylvania, and after went on to attend night classes at the Temple University School of Law. 

        Marcel supported him financially through his journey to becoming a lawyer. But I can only imagine how badly many children raised in orphanages need someone to look them square in the eyes and say, “I believe in you.” Marcel Viti seized that role for my grandfather. He didn’t need to have “minister” in any of his titles to do powerful and life-altering ministry. He taught my grandfather one invaluable truth that changed the course of his entire life...You can do anything you set your mind to. No matter your past, no matter what you may think your limitations are, no matter what anyone has said you can or cannot do - you. can. do. anything.

        My grandfather did go on to graduate and become a lawyer in Philadelphia. He also went on to meet my grandmother at a party with other lawyers - only God knows how they would have met if not for at this party and had he not gone to law school. He and my grandmother went on to get married and have 5 children - their first being my father. 

       I share this with you today because I want you to truly believe that ministry does not always look like “ministry.” There are too many people with a strict view of ministry as a job in a church or working within an arena that has the title of “ministry” on it - youth ministry, homeless ministry, mom’s ministry, campus ministry. The kindness and generosity of one person who practices everyday ministry can have a ripple effect that touches an incalculable amount of lives. And you can do that in any profession - lawyer, doctor, construction worker, barista, teacher, janitor - you name it - whatever profession it is - it is a space where ministry can happen. It is a space where you can show people in great need great love. Each and every profession can be utilized as an avenue for God to work in limitless ways.

        So today I say thank you - to all Catholic lawyers who have dedicated themselves to doing ministry within their work, who help people in need with their intellect, experience, and influence at every opportunity they can. My life has been affected in powerful ways by your ministry.

         And most especially, I thank Marcel Viti for responding to the call to take my grandfather under his wing and help set him free to become who God created him to be. 

And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him. Colossians 3:17

Ash Wednesday

        Today. It is the one day of the year that - just by looking at you - someone can immediately know that you are Catholic. 

        There is no other day of the year that your appearance will show the world that you are. In your day to day life, people can come to know that you are a Christian by your living out of the Gospel, your kind words, and the charitable way in which you live - but nothing about our appearance, even on our most important Catholic feast days, tells people about the faith we live. 

        I was flying to Las Vegas for their Diocesan Youth Conference on Saturday, and I got to sit next to a lovely couple traveling to Florida. We got to talking, and I shared with them about my ministry - how I speak and sing for the Catholic Church and Catholic young people. 

        People are often surprised about what I do, but this woman was utterly flabbergasted. She could not believe that there are young people who still adhere to their Catholic faith, much less any people at all still in the Catholic churches! She had her children baptized over 30 years ago, and their family has not practiced their faith since. I have met many surprised people, but no one has ever been completely shocked. 

        There are many people in the world like this woman - those people who think the churches must be empty because Catholic tradition is too archaic for our contemporary world. And today is that day where we get to proclaim to the world…the Catholic Church is not dead. 

        And not only is it not dead - we each get to proclaim by our ashes that there is a life beyond this worldly one. We get to show the world that we have been marked by our Savior, chosen as His own even in the midst of our sin and brokenness. We get to outwardly show that we are sinners in search of something more than this world is offering to us on every step of our earthly journey. 

        Ash Wednesday is a day that can feel a bit uncomfortable - people will look at you funny as you go about your day - some people will wash off their ashes in order to feel more comfortable out in public. With no ashes on your head, there’s no possibility of someone telling you about the dirt on your face. Years ago when I was a server at a restaurant, I went to Mass in the morning and wore my ashes to work. As usual, people would let me know about it, and it gave me the opportunity to tell them…

         “Oh, thanks. It’s not dirt. I’m actually Catholic and it is Ash Wednesday.”

         And so I challenge you...do not wash off your ashes today. Wear them proudly as a sign that you belong to the living God. Lent is a tremendous opportunity to walk with the Lord on His journey toward Calvary, and today is a tremendous opportunity for us as Catholics young and old to declare to the world…

         Yes, we are still here. And no, after 2000 years, we are still not going anywhere. 

Finding A Man Who Loves Jesus.

       "Our first date went well, but he's not that strong in His faith, and…" She paused, almost apologetically. I completed her sentence. "And you desire to date a man who loves Jesus like you do."

       "Well, yeah…Yes. Yes, I do." Her apology turned to confidence in speaking the desire of her heart. I experience this scenario often. 

       At the age of eighteen, attending Daily Mass became an integral part of my life. I found fulfillment and deep personal peace through the beauty of adoration. I was sold out for big worship and looking for big ways to build the Kingdom. Following Jesus Christ was the single most important aspect of my existence.

       During this time and into my twenties, I knew one thing I wanted above all if I was going to be dating. If I was going to date, I wanted to be with a man who really, really loved Jesus…even more than I did, and even more than he loved me. 

       I knew my own heart, and knew that I needed to date a man who could lead me. There was no question about it, I did not want to be spiritually leading a relationship. 

       I desired a Christ-centered relationship and I wanted to date a man who shared in my love for all these things that were so deeply integrated into my daily life. It was extremely important to me that if I was going to be in a relationship, I wanted it to be one with a man who had a profound sense of Catholic spirituality. I wanted to date a man who loved Jesus more than I did because I wanted to learn and be challenged to grow. 

       I held no judgment against men who did not share in my faith or my love for Jesus, I just knew that they were not the man for me. And sisters, there will never be anything wrong with knowing what you want and what you need. 

       I speak with too many women who feel judged for upholding their standards…frustrated by having to explain it to friends or family…many of them share about the questions and the pressure from other people…Well, you could be missing out. No one will ever meet your standards. Why don't you just give him a chance? You're being too picky. 

       Women, there is no place for apologizing for what you desire in a relationship. There is no place for having to explain it to anyone, either. 

       We each get the individual responsibility of creating our own standards (and by standards, I am talking about realistic ones here - standards like a man who is virtuous, honest, selfless, unafraid to roll up his sleeves and serve, etc. - not height, hair color, or his ability to sing and play the guitar). It is the responsibility of every woman to be in tune with God and with what is most important to her in a man. There is no need for anyone to understand the standards you have set out except for you. Nobody else can make that call. Some women know that they yearn for a boyfriend or husband to be their spiritual leader. Some women are completely open to dating a man who has no faith and inviting him to be a part of her faith. There is no "better" scenario; we each get to choose. If a man of great faith is what you know you desire, do not apologize for it. Whatever you decide is the bar he must reach, do not go on dating men who sit below it. Do set the bar high - remember, you deserve the best. Be patient until you find the man who shares in what you know you need, and do not settle for less when he seems hard to find. It can be a challenging lesson in patience and trust in God's providence…but it is a beautifully worthwhile endeavor. 

       I did find that man who could lead me. I had to travel half a world away, but God did bring us together in His own timing. And as we walked together in our dating relationship, one night I whispered to Him, "I love Jesus. And I love Him more than I love you." He whispered back, "I know. I wouldn't want it any other way." 

       Take heart, sisters. Have patience. Keep that bar up there because though they may seem few and far between, there are incredible men in this world. And as for the apologizing...This is a journey that will always be between you and our God who provides according to His perfect time and His perfect will. 

The Generosity of People.

Dear friends, 

        It is challenging to figure out where to pick back up. 

        I disappeared a little while ago in December, as we began to pick up speed leading up to our wedding day. There are many things to process about the past year, and the first thing I am attempting to process is the generosity of the people around me. In the past few months, the love poured out upon us has been breathtaking, the support has been overwhelming, and the grace has been surreal. 

        It is truly unbelievable to think of all the love that I have felt throughout all of 2015 - I have been left without words, utterly speechless. 

        There will never be enough words to thank so many people for all that they did to support Daniël and I in 2015. My parents walked with me every step of the way and gave selflessly and supportively at every turn. I will never have the proper words to express my love and gratitude for them. My sisters, brother, and brother-in-law keep me laughing and dancing the whole way through this life. In the months leading up to the wedding, I received messages of love from dozens and dozens of people - offers from selfless souls wanting to help poured in constantly and I was humbled - the amount of people who wrote or texted saying they were praying for us was beyond compare. 

        About a week before the wedding, I received a package from a parish in Florida. The youth minister and many of the girls had written me little letters of love, and they sent them along with a beautiful medal of the Holy Family. When I opened this package in the midst of a last-minute odds-and-ends frenzy, my gratitude overflowed into many tears. This was the pinnacle of all the love I felt - I have never been so aware that I was breathing, living, and walking in the love and prayers of others. There are no words to describe how humbling it is. I tied the medal these young women gave me into my bouquet and carried it down the aisle as a prayer for young women everywhere. Thank you to this youth minister and the young women who wrote to me. What a gift. 

        In 2015, I was blessed by the support of many priests as we walked through engagement - and we were blessed by one priest in particular. Daniël and I were prepared for our marriage by Fr. Dan Beeman, a priest from Norfolk, Virginia. Fr. Dan flew across America to celebrate our wedding - a huge gift in and of itself. Not only did he celebrate our wedding he valiantly led our 2-day extravaganza to be something very holy and very sacred. The day before our wedding, he celebrated a private Mass for Daniël and I - our last Mass as single people. He guided everyone through the rehearsal, and celebrated our wedding Mass, which was an absolute explosion of joy. The love and generosity Fr. Dan showed us over the past few months - in the midst of an extremely busy schedule running a parish - has left us in absolute awe. 

        The amount of people who attended our wedding Mass was beyond my wildest dreams. When we opened our Mass to all, I did not know who would come. I saw people from all walks of my life - many teens from my years as a campus minister, former colleagues, friends in ministry, my elementary school teacher. We had friends drive across the country to be a part of our day - truly, truly humbling. Thank you to all who came to worship with us, and for praising your hearts out with us. We are grateful to have spent the most important Mass of our lives with you. 

        Daniël and I are embarking on our new normal, and I have quite a bit to say about all that has transpired in the past few months. I look forward to sharing my heart with you, and I am thrilled about all that 2016 will hold and sharing in even more of God's love and grace in this one wild and precious life. 

Love, 

Emily

When You've Been Hurt by Followers of Jesus.

            It is a difficult thing to speak of hurt. It is a challenging thing to witness to brokenness. In my own life I have found the importance of putting our hurt into words - speaking of pain is what builds the bridge from one person to another to say-  you are not alone.

            And so I open my heart today because I see more and more the pain people have experienced in following Christ and being hurt by His followers. I know that pain well and sometimes I think it gets swept away - under the rug, far away, deep into the recesses our hearts.

            Have you been hurt in ministry? In church? By people who declare out loud that they love Jesus Christ?

            If yes, then you and I, we have rowed in the same boat, oars moving right along together. You are not at all alone. We have been hurt by people sitting in our congregations, by people in leadership positions, by clergy, by religious, by people well-known and liked by entire communities of people. It is highly likely that if you have ever belonged to a church community, it is something you have experienced.

            I was once in a worship band that held an entire meeting to discuss their opinions about me. I was not invited to defend myself. I carried a high school campus ministry program by myself, while teaching classes, while running retreats and loving endlessly on 450 teenage girls while one of my greatest friends battled cancer - and was called unworthy to address my students at their final Mass because some disagreed with the way I did ministry. I witnessed nuns treat a dying woman with such little care for her heart I still cannot speak of it out loud to this day. This is the short list. There can be some unimaginable pain in ministry.

            Sometimes people have motivation to hurt and sometimes they do it without such intention...but a wise person once shared one line that has stuck with me forever...Unintentional pain is still pain. Unintentional hurt still hurts.

            It steals the joy right out from under you and takes the wind clear out of your sails. It can bring you to a screeching halt... why do I work in ministry or volunteer my time if this is really what it can be? How can I follow this Jesus who has followers who approach me with disrespect, who can say terrible things about me, who can be incredibly critical of the attempts I make at building the Kingdom here on earth? Why do I stay in the Church if it has people like this?

            It is a challenging thing to approach - a painful thing to speak about, because it is often hard to describe what it is like. It is difficult for people to share their wounds for fear of sounding uncharitable or whiny, but this hurt is real and if left untreated, can impact one's life and faith for far too long. In my own life, at times it has felt like a small sting - other times in has felt like burns - not burns on the skin but burns on the heart. You know, the old scene when someone leaves the iron on a shirt too long, and it leaves that distinct black burn mark? It's like that. And sometimes it feels like it takes an eternity to carefully scrape off. These hurts can only be healed when they are given to God - to allow God to place His perfect healing power over all these places of discouragement and ache.

            I have met some who wonder that last question...why do I stay in the Church if it can be so painful?  

            It can feel like a valid question in the midst of deep sorrow, but there is one truth that will remain a constant in my life. I refuse to leave the Church even when Christ's followers treat me horribly. Why? Because I refuse to let human folly drive me away from the Eucharist.

            There is an important distinction that I have had to continue to make - I hear many people say that they were hurt by the Church - when it is not the Church that inflicts pain. It is not the Catholic Church who hurts us but the imperfect people in it - the ones sitting on the altar, in the pews, in the administration building at the school, in the parish center. We are all imperfect in many ways, and in the same way that I do not blame the mother with the screaming child at the grocery store for her child's behavior - I will not blame my God for the behavior of His children. I refuse to let humans derail my love for the King, my passion for young people and the Church, and His plan for the entirety of my life. People can say mean things about me, call me incapable, unintentionally or intentionally hurt me - I will not walk away from the Bread of Life.

            If you are currently navigating this kind of hurt - I want to apologize to you today. I am sorry. I want you to know that God wants only to pour out love into your aching heart. I am always comforted when I take one step back and look above all the followers and look at the One we follow. He has never been and never will be a hypocrite. He is accepting, kind, forgiving, merciful, and loving - He is the one this faith is about and He is the one who knows His Church is made up of messy, imperfect people and He is the one who says to all of us who have been hurt,

            I love you. Keep. serving. anyway.

            It takes a conscious choosing to refuse to become bitter - to hold up a stiff arm to cynicism as it tries to wrestle you down - to remember...there are a thousand more dedicated, selfless, holy people for every one person who has ever hurt me. But it is a worthwhile and life-giving choosing, and I choose it while I say out loud...All of my life, in every season, You are still God. I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship.

            There are millions of absolutely exquisite humans working to build the Kingdom - let us live and remember them. Let us live to love the ones who hurt us, to pray for those we find it difficult to pray for, and to love one another as Christ has loved us.

Be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another as God has forgiven you in Christ. Ephesians 4:32

Beating the Enemy at Thanksgiving.

            It is the week to give thanks.

            This week we celebrate gratitude and love and happiness and our countless blessings. We give glory to God for all good things and rejoice over good food, shared memories, songs, and time with family. This week is a sacred time in our country - spirits are high and everyone has already been wishing one another a Happy Thanksgiving - the lady on the phone from the electric company wished one for me and I wished one to the COX man who set up our Internet. Americans love this beautiful week.

            If we are not careful, however, this sacred time can be slowly infiltrated by that little voice that starts to sneak in to our lives...

            That voice that tries to make you look at the things you don't have rather than what you do have.

            Nobody has a perfect family but that voice could try to convince you that yours is the worst and you would be happier in a different one in the thick of family drama that seems to come to a boil this week. You do not need a relationship or a spouse to be happy, but that voice is going to try to remind you that you are alone and that loneliness is equal to misery. You do not have as many fun weekend events to attend as your friends you see on social media, and that voice will try to convince you that you are unwanted and excluded. Material things do not fulfill us but that voice is going to tell you - you do not have close to enough. You need more.

            Why else would people trample each other to the point of death on Black Friday to buy things?

            This is the week where we each get to take control in shutting that voice up in our hearts and minds - we get the decision to beat the enemy and let gratitude rule our thoughts, feelings, and actions. It is the week to look at our imperfect families and be grateful to have a family - parents, cousins, crazy uncles, and all. It is the week to focus on the big blessings we take for granted - running water, food on the table, cars to drive, friends to go around. It is the week to truly believe that - relationship during the Christmas season or not - life is still good, full, promising, and beautiful - and that no matter what events you are or are not invited to - that you are still loved by many.

            It is the week to truly remember - I have enough things - how can I give more love?

            We get the choice...the choice to change our perspective to say not, "I don't have..." but to say, think, and believe...

            I have more than enough. Thanks be to God.

The Family Dinner Table.

            Everyone says it is important to have family dinners for your children and for the well-being of your family.

            It makes children happier, they say. It makes children smarter, they say.

            It gives them better self-esteem and confidence, it keeps them out of trouble, it makes for an overall healthier family.

            There are a myriad of reasons and I subscribe to them all.

            Sharing dinner at an 8-foot long handcrafted oak table every night made me all of those things. But I have watched and seen the way dozens of families operate and I have come to know that a family dinner table is gravity.

            Gravity is the force pulling together all matter, and this shared table does that and so much more. It creates the balance of a home. It keeps all within a home grounded. It pulls everyone together to the exact same center.

            My mother ordered this handcrafted table many years ago. This old table has seen many plates of food and heard lots of laughter. It has surely seen hundreds of different guests by now...aunts, uncles, priests, old friends, new friends, elementary school friends, college friends, and anyone and everyone who ever needed a loving home for Thanksgiving. It has endured drumming and singing and crying but most importantly has offered each of us a moment every single day of our childhood to answer the question in front of the other five people God gave us to love life with...

            "My precious jewel, how was your day?"

            When children feel heard, they remain centered. When they feel loved, they remain grounded. The love within a home sustains children. Love felt at a dinner table gives children and families life.

            It is at this oak table where I have felt heard and loved for my entire life. It remains the central place of sharing and loving for our family to this day. As a 26-year-old woman my heart overflows at sitting at this table, noticing that long after dinner has passed, and plated have been cleaned...

            We still sit and laugh, talk, and share in life together.

            Gravity.

My Women of the Year.

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. Proverbs 31

            I recently heard about Glamour Magazine including Cecile Richards and Bruce Caitlyn Jenner in their selection for "Woman of the Year."

            I am not surprised, disappointed, or even dismayed. 

            I know the kinds of women our culture puts on pedestals. I know well what our culture thinks is "brave" and "honorable." I am well-versed in the fact that our culture thinks a woman who has proven to be a liar and fraud with no care for the unborn is worthy of the title woman of the year. I am not surprised that our culture is telling women that a man who decided to medically become a woman is more deserving of such a title than any other woman living in 2015.

            I also understand that titles are unimportant, and that what Glamour magazine says does not matter. But what does matter is being inspired by the kinds of women who are truly living honor and bravery in their lives, the women who deserve all the laud and awards, but who would never wish for it or look for it a day in their lives.

            They are my women of the year.

            My woman of the year was born without a 4th chamber in her heart. She has been through countless surgeries and unimaginable physical suffering, and endures it all with the utmost grace and radiance in her heart. You will never see her out in public without a smile on her face, a laugh on her lips, and genuine questions about how your life is going. She is thoughtful, loving, and joyful. She was excelling greatly in her career path but is currently unable to work because of her health, which would be tremendously frustrating for anyone. I have never once heard her complain or look for sympathy for this incredible struggle. She continually lives the life and circumstances she has been given with dignity and beauty. She is my woman of the year.

            My woman of the year just heroically defeated uterine cancer. She works extremely hard at her job and has selflessly cared for her mother in her own home for many years. She is an extremely loving, faithful, patient, and kind friend to all. She is a great listener, a generous giver, always putting the needs of others before her own. I have never once heard her grumble about her trials, about all that others expect of her, or how deeply unfair life can be sometimes. She accepts all that God wills with a heart of prayer, open to all that God wants and does not want, all that God gives and does not give, and in doing so teaches others to do the same. She is my woman of the year.

            My woman of the year is a mother to 3 girls who saw a great longing and need for spiritual connection among women, so she prayerfully and proactively created a community that is thriving and growing by the day. She truly lives out the words of St. Joan of Arc, "Act, and God will act." She has selflessly built an infrastructure that has cultivated incredible vulnerability, friendships, and sisterhood for women all across the world. She quietly carries heavy crosses in her life and through it all serves her family humbly and generously while running her beautiful community and working a demanding job. She is one of the brightest spirits you could ever meet. She is my woman of the year.

            My woman of the year runs a youth ministry program at a parish in Texas. She gives more than anyone sees to make incredible youth ministry happen for young people. Much of her work goes unrecognized, and her humility is stunningly magnificent. She does not ever show a need to receive accolades or recognition. She spends her summers bringing teens to nearly every event imaginable, spending long nights on buses, late nights in hotels, and early exhausted mornings taking care of God's young people and making sure they encounter Him in a powerful way during their teenage years. She longs for God to bring her a spouse but I have never once heard her complain about her state in life as she accepts all as grace. She works and lives with a beautiful peace and generosity in her heart, and is a beautiful example of holiness and virtue. She is my woman of the year.

            My women of the year know how to glorify rather than to look for glory.  

            These women who inspire us in our lives know how to dig in deep when the going gets rough, they know how to serve until it hurts and then keep serving. These are the women who get grit, who understand grace, and who do not cease opening their generous hands and hearts to put complaints aside and others before themselves.

            Today and every day I thank God for the women around us who radiate love and who live beautifully inspiring lives of quiet suffering and sacrifice.

Who is your woman of the year?

"We are the women who want the thing God wants more than we are afraid of it, the women who know when the love of Christ motivates, the more fearless of everything we become, the women who know real joy is not found in having the best of everything but in trusting that God’s making the best of everything.

We are the women who make our lives about the cause of Christ, not the applause of men, live to express the Gospel, not to impress the Jones’, live not to make our absence felt, but to make Christ’s presence known."

-Ann Voskamp

On Geese and Friendship.

            Have you heard them yet? The geese are flying South for the winter.  

            I hear them when I am walking the dog, or sitting at the table eating dinner, and when I am lying in bed with the windows open.

            I hear them honking - their form of communication - a communication which keeps them engaged in incredible teamwork.

            Every time I hear them I remember how much they teach us about what it means to live in community and choose our friends wisely.

            Geese choose friends who are going in the same direction. They would not get to their winter destination otherwise. As you have likely seen, they fly in a V formation...when flying in this formation, each goose flaps its wings and creates an uplift for the goose behind it. They fly as a team, taking turns as the leader, trading positions and helping geese who may be tired or sick. Collectively, the geese are able to travel 70% farther than if they were to travel the distance alone.

            Traveling through life as a geese does is imperative in the life of a Christian.

            We all get tired at different points in our life journey and in our faith journey. Living a life of faith at every age can be very challenging...we will all lose sight of our destination at some point, give into weariness in some way, and have feelings of hopelessness at different stages. If we are with people who get the journey, who understand where we are going, who care for our well-being, and who share our core values...we will find the road much more bearable and much easier to navigate. When we are immersed in community and we stumble, grow exhausted, or face immense struggles, those people sharing in our voyage step in to fly in front of us. They step in to ease our tiredness, our pain, or our sickness by their love, their thoughtfulness, and their prayers. They create an uplift for us because they know the journey of life is challenging but it is community that keeps us going. I will not soon forget the way my family was uplifted by the wings of others in our community when my mother became sick with cancer - the love, the prayers, the cards - there was a smiling face at the door every single night with a meal for our family. Community can create light in the most difficult of life's seasons and is essential to walking through life.

            Many young people share with me that they feel trapped in a group of friends who do not share their same values or common goals, or stuck with friends who are unwilling to help them to be the best person they can be. I always remind them...a group of friends is not some tattoo you cannot remove. You can change the friends you choose to travel with when you realize they do not share your values, your goals, or your direction. The geese teach us this simple equation...spend your time and energy with people who do not share your vision of who you want to be and it will surely take you much longer to get there.

            So I ask you today...what does your community look like? If you find yourself with friends who do not share a common goal, who are not going the same direction as you...it will be worthwhile to spend the energy to find friends who will get you the 70% extra distance that comes with this kind of community. You can find yourself uplifted by others in your life, and you can be that person who gives uplift to someone struggling along the journey.

            May we all channel the brilliant and innate sense a goose has - to choose friends who will help us reach the goal of Heaven and to be a friend ready to uplift those who we are together with in community - for the rest of our lives.