{This is the story of Britt, Tom, and Stella. It is a story that takes place over many years of their life and marriage that Britt and Tom have vulnerably and courageously shared with me so I could share it with all of you. Theirs is a story of faith, hope, and perseverance that I know has the power to inspire people of any age, in any stage, season, or vocation of life. You will hear from both of them throughout this story. Thank you, Britt and Tom, for sharing your life to give light to others.}
Britt: "Go forth and be fruitful" or "be fruitful and multiply" - what if that is said during your wedding Mass, but you cannot? Does that make your marriage less authentic? Are you any less of a woman if your body cannot do what it is "designed" to do? Carrying life makes you the biggest threat to the devil…has he won because you are not able to do this? Are we now having sex just for pleasure, and not what it was actually intended for? All of these questions crossed my mind in the many years we struggled with infertility.
Let us begin by saying: our (almost) 10 years of infertility and miscarriage have not just affected us. It weighs on our family and our friends. We need to share this, because this is not a sad story. It is a story of hope, glory and love.
We got married young (I was 22 and Tom was 26) and we expected to be cool, young parents with many children. God had other plans. My mom taught me Natural Family Planning when I got my first period, and I know how my body works, so after the first year of our marriage when we did not conceive, we went to see a gynecologist. After many meetings - and eventually a surgery - the conclusion was a diagnosis of endometriosis. However, since I had a regular menstrual cycle they said, my ovaries were open and they removed the endometriosis, their solution was insemination or IVF. We are faithful to the Church’s teachings and so did not want to pursue either of these paths, and Britt felt there was something wrong with her body.
My period pains were so intense and getting worse and worse every month. We turned to a Naprotechnology doctor in Germany who started looking at very obvious reasons we were not pregnant. I had PCOS and not always a natural ovulation - however, medically this can be very simple to "fix.” In all of my previous medical consultations, nobody even bothered to take a look at this. In the years to come, we continued "perfecting" my hormone levels and eventually another surgery confirmed that I could have never gotten pregnant, because my uterus was partly cut off and my fallopian tube was completely blocked on the other side. I bled for 9 months after this surgery, but finally, there was a reason for all the pain I had in the previous years and there was light at the end of the tunnel.
Tom: Seeing my wife in pain every month and not being able to do anything was unbearable. Not being able to take her pain away and the powerlessness made me feel like I was abandoning her. I was living from month to month, literally period to period, and picking up the pieces - letting go and surrendering to God is the most difficult thing I have ever done. In these years we learned to make sense of suffering. Our marriage is the foundation of wanting to start a family. Because of pain we suffer, but because we suffer, we are in greater pain. Making sense of suffering and giving it purpose relieves the pain.
As a man, you also need to protect yourself, especially your wife – because the world will eat you up. We cannot tell you how many times we have heard, “Why don’t you have any kids yet?” or “Ohhh.. so you can’t have children, right?” or any variety of that. If this is something you are experiencing, ask people: “Why do you ask that?” and make them realize what they are saying. Through the years many people were hesitant to tell us that they were expecting. Some had two or even three kids in the years we were trying. We are not any less happy for you - and we do not wish this pain on anybody. But that does not mean it doesn’t hurt. Every baby we saw, every mother or father, we thought… “Do they know how blessed they are?” As Catholics and in our struggle, we take great personal offense to abortion. It is wrong in every way, but for us it has been personal. “How could you? We would gladly give your baby a beautiful life in our family!”
Tom, cont’d.: One thing that I found so important throughout our journey has been communication. Communication is key! Talk to your spouse. What if you are not able to conceive naturally, where do you stand? Are you going to be okay – what do you need from your spouse to be a position that you are okay? Realizing that you might not have any children - and accepting that - is not something you do once and get on with life. It’s something you face multiple times a day and you have to deal with constantly. Letting go - really letting go - gave us peace. It does not happen like people often say it will: “When you relax and stop trying, it will happen for you.” Ohhh, we always hated that. Focus on the good. Focus on God. His timing is perfect. He has a plan. If you cannot walk, let Him carry you.
As a light in the midst of our struggle, we bought a dog. We needed something to take care of, to cuddle with, and to nurture - a living thing to love and to be dependent on us to take the “edge” off. Our dog’s name is Boaz and he is the best.
Britt: For me, it would have been easier to “forgive” Tom if he was the person preventing us from having a baby. But to forgive myself (which was not necessary), and stop blaming myself, was hard. Tom bought me a beautiful sapphire ring. A sapphire ring symbolizes honesty, sincerity, and faithfulness. It is also believed to provide good fortune within marriage and to keep it strong and healthy. Tom promised me with that ring that everything would be okay, no matter the outcome. I love that ring! That ring represents love to me. When I look at that ring I know I will be okay - we will be okay.
Continuing on with our story. In October of 2020 we got pregnant! All of my hormone levels were okay, but we found out our baby had no heartbeat the day before Christmas Eve. We only told my parents and celebrated Christmas and New Year’s Eve whilst I was carrying our unborn, lifeless baby. It took 2 weeks and medication and a lot of pain to go through the miscarriage. We wanted to bury our baby, but we were not able to do this as pieces came out over many days. It broke my heart. People would say: “But there is good news, as you now know you can get pregnant.” I understand what they were trying to say, but really? Is there good news in losing your baby?! I felt abandoned by God. How could He do this to us? My brother and his wife send us a painting that I could not look at for a year. It read: “And to think, the first thing you saw when you opened your little eyes was the face of Jesus.” I love this for our baby, but I wished for that to be our faces.
In June of 2021, we celebrated our nine year anniversary. I told Tom that I would endure one more year of Naprotechnology and all the vitamins and supplements and then I would be done. It truly took a toll to have such uncertainty and disappointment every month. We realized throughout the years that having children was a real heart’s desire of ours, but also that a child would not “complete” us. We are made whole in Christ. Having a husband/wife or baby does not make you “more” whole. It is an entirely new love that brings so much joy.
Which brings me to the next part of the story…On October 14th 2021, on my grandmothers birthday, we found out that we were expecting again. Little did we know that our baby girl would be born at just 27 weeks and 3 days - and we would stay in the hospital with her for 3 months. When she was 1 week old we gave her an “emergency” baptism, because we thought we would lose her.
I have never seen a baby so tiny and small, but the fact that I was able to keep her warm and feed her from my body was so fulfilling. I have never felt closer to Christ as in the moment they cut me open and I told the doctor, “Whatever happens, save my baby.” I slept in her room as she was fighting for her life.
We have never felt more blessed in our lives than in this period in the hospital. It was soooo stressful, but the presence of God has never been more obvious ever. It was so obvious that we could not worry. When I called Tom in the middle of that night that he had to come to the hospital for an emergency C-Section, I saw all the angels and saints in my room and my sweet grandmother Moeke - I was actually worried there would be no room for the hospital staff!! During her birth my uterus ruptured, and I will not be able to carry another baby, but she is more than we ever hoped and dreamed of. We don’t think “What if…” God provides, always and forever.
We celebrated our 10 year anniversary in the hospital, in the room with our precious daughter Stella. It felt like God looked at us and winked, “I got your back.”
When we came home from the hospital, we had thought all would be normal, but it wasn’t. Stella spent 10 months with a feeding tube, another period in the hospital, and had many check-ups and many worries. I pumped milk for 10 months as my baby could not/refused to drink. All I dreamed of was holding my baby in my arms and feeding her in this beautiful chair we had bought. Together as a couple, we felt like we went to hell and back, but we came out in one piece. When I broke down, my husband picked me up and the other way around. Family, friends and people we don’t even know prayed for us. So now it’s our turn to preach and pray for all of you and proclaim the faithfulness of our God!
Our cross was heavy, but the prize was greater than ever. We have lived every day, month, and years of our marriage “in the moment,” but it has not been easy. There have been times when either one of us broke down, and that is okay.
Our babygirl is perfectly healthy and the most beautiful soul we have ever seen. She is joy. She is beauty. She is life. She makes us better people. She brings us closer to God. She makes us want to be the best version of ourselves. Listening to her and paying attention to the small details is like listening to God. The more you listen, the more you hear.
For all the men and women out there whose story is like ours…I pray for you, I cry with you. We have been there; we know the struggle. God is faithful, always, and in everything. You do not have to carry this cross alone. Simon of Cyrene carried the cross for Jesus when He could not. Ask the intercession of all the saints and angels and they will come to your aid.
Thank you for reading our story - to God be the glory.